UnNews:TZOD UPDATE: French surrender, UnNews does not
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TZOD UPDATE: French surrender, UnNews does not
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 05:32:UTC)(
28 March 2009
PARIS, France -- Everybody knew with the advancing Time Zone of Death into Europe that France would no doubt be surrendering. Ten minutes ago, that very thing happened, but it would seem that Earth Hour takes no prisoners. The inhumane atrocities that is happening to the people under the white flag cannot be described with the same horror that can be seen with one's own eyes.
It's true, one can't see anything with one's own eyes because it's pitch black, but it is absolutely terrifying because your UnNews correspondant in France is afraid of the dark.
Just as the Time Zone of Death - 8:30 P.M. local time - was approaching, the president announced France's swift defeat by switching off the lights of the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame and the Elysée Palace. Immediately, the city plunged into chaos. The mysterious theives of the night silently swooped through like ninjas (although Japan has nothing to do with the Earth Hour conspiracy desu), stealing as they please.
People began to emerge from candle-lit restraunts to inspect the damage but to their astonishment, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame and the Elysée have all been stolen! The plot thickens from news of stolen rich people in Moscow just hours prior; just what does this unknown organization behind this worldwide attack want?
We at UnNews may just be able to find out as I, your French correspondant, am currently being transported inside the Eiffel Tower right now as I Twitter this in one sentence at a time, with a small group of terrified Frenchmen and Frenchwomen with me.
It appears that the random French structures that have been stolen are being moved by several large air-mobilized vehicles, although we can't see a thing right now. When we can, you will know that you have read it here first, exclusively on UnNews.
This is David Nickelfield, signing out.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|