UnNews:TV networks ban traditional Christmas films
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
24 December 2006
Hollywood, CA - Television executives have agreed to ban the showing of several movies that have become traditional fare during the Christmas season. Included among the banned films are Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, The Wizard of Oz, and A Christmas Carol.
“Audiences want something different,” agreed CBS president Sean McManus.
“How many times can we expect people to watch the same old thing?” asked NBC president Robert Wright.
Instead of the traditional fare, the TV networks have decided to offer “something different,” declared Lueckenhoff.
Although the network presidents refused to comment on what, specifically, they have in mind to replace the movies that have aired during the holidays in previous decades, insiders suggest that the “something different” is likely to be “more of the same”: game shows, news programs, sitcoms, and sports. “They’re also planning to broadcast back-to-back infomercials,” the source contended.
Although the executives claim that they have only their TV audiences in mind, critics contend that they actually intend to profit from the changes in their programming. “It is difficult to sell the same stale movies to advertisers,” Michael Medved argued. “Every year that one of the networks shows Miracle on 34th Street or A Christmas Carol, the amount that an advertiser is willing to pay decreases.”
Another reason that the networks have decided to replace the popular but aging movies with more contemporary fare, Roger Ebert claimed, is that contemporary audiences are no longer familiar with or relate to such stars of the past as Natalie Wood, Jimmy Stewart, or Judy Garland. “They want to see such celebrities as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and what’s-her-name? Sarah Michelle Gellar.”
The new shows will replace the old ones in 2007, McManus announced, closing the press conference during which he and his rival TV executives made their joint announcement by wishing the reporters and the American public “Merry Christmas.”
- Ebenezer Scrooge "There's No Business Like Show Business, Especially in December". TV Times, December 23, 2006