UnNews:TIGGER WOODS ADMITS HE'S BEEN VERY NAUGHTY
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TIGGER WOODS ADMITS HE'S BEEN VERY NAUGHTY
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 20:43:UTC)(
20 February 2010
Disney World. Orlando.Fl.USA
In a packed press conference without the press, disgraced children's toy Tigger Woods came fluffy, spin dry clean to explain why he had strayed from the marital bed and had made his wife Pippi Longstocking cry.
First thanking his sponsors, Disney, Viagra and SexToysRUs, Tigger bounded up to the podium and looked the cameras directly in the eye. In the audience his friends from the 100-Acre Wood like Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Kango, Roo and Christopher Robin too, filled up all the available seats. One missing face was Tigger's wife, the Swedish pigtailed beauty Pippi Longstocking. Her absence was explained that she had already privately forgiven her errant husband and was now spending the rest of the day on the dodgems.
I've had my bouncy,bouncy fun and have paid the price, admitted the stripey philanderer.That price has been the loss of lots of juicy sponsorship money and the love of my accountants. To them , to Disney and everyone else has put money in my furry pocket, this apology is for you.
Tigger then made a move to leave the podium but then remembered he ought to be a bit more contrite.
...I don't blame the Florida police for leaking this story to the press back in December or for Pippi trying to slice off my knitted private parts with her hairbrush. She put herself through a lot of pain reading all those text messages from my lovers down at the cocktail bar. I thought I could get my end away with it but now I know better. Pippi has forgiven me, as have my friends from the Wild Wood. Now I know the world will forgive me too.
Finally, to everyone else. I have learnt my lesson and now I am attending the Animal Sex Addict Wing at the Dysfunctional Disney Toys' Clinic. I hope to stay there long enough for it to be renamed in my dishonour and a permanent reminder of the fun...sorry, bad behavior I once had.
Tigger finished his speech with a flurry of phantom golf strokes to indicate that he was still missing the game but there was undoubtled glimmer in his unsmiling glass eyes. He then left the podium and kissed Winnie the Pooh and all his friends and then , when given a mirror, a reflection of himself too.
My security detachment will be at the door with buckets to collect your donations to the Clinic.
In a separate story, Winnie the Pooh again denied rumours he was the 'Honey Jar Entrapment' who had been providing the press with stories about Tigger Woods off-golf course infidelities. He said that was Piglet was the true squealer and that as a bear with little sex drive, he was a confirmed bachelor.