UnNews:TEPCO takes a dump
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TEPCO takes a dump
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 16:18:UTC)(
14 July 2017
PORVENIR, Chile -- At a press conference held in a small bar in remote Tierra del Fuego province, Japan’s TEPCO (Tolerably Evil Power Company) Chairman Eisaburo Kyuubi made a whispered announcement that over 750,000 tons of radioactive water will be dumped into the ocean. It is coolant water contaminated with radioactive tritium from the nucular power plants destroyed in the Fukushima Earthquake in 2011. It was revealed that Japanese big box stores had completely run out of the kiddie pools used previously to store the tritium-laced water. Their major radioactive water storage facility will also be emptied. "Therefore, we highly regret that TEPCO Waterworld and Fun Park will be temporarily closed while we effect the transfer," said Kyuubi.
The power producer also says the tritium will be diluted tremendously and will not have harmful effects. The government will be carefully monitoring the results to determine if dumping Japan’s ethnic Korean and Chinese populations in the ocean would work in the same way.
Japan Nucular Regulatory Agency chairman Shunichi Tanuki had previously noted that the radiation was so weak that it wouldn’t penetrate plastic wrapping. "We’re counting on the garbage in the Pacific Gyre to protect animal and plant life. In fact, our study conducted over our lunch hour shows there should be negative radioactivity after we do the dump." That’s very good news, as gases from standard-type power plants have thinned the earth's ozone layer.
When asked about his Prada 3-piece suit lined with lead, he shrugged it off as being the current style at JNRA headquarters. He also explained it was a basic uniform for executives, custom designed to match their Ferrari F12 staff cars. "In any case, we need protection when we investigate radiation leak incidents. It is necessary when we have to force a worker to inspect a highly radioactive area, and he gets mad and takes a swing at us."
Ungrateful fishermen are outraged despite having the advantage of glow-in-the dark fish being easier to catch. Fishing co-op head Tsuribaka Jiisan O’Hara complained that he was able to catch some really gigantic jellyfish species in the last 6 years, but due to radiation fears he only sold 20 kilos worth in that time. "And that was to my mother. Even she demanded a big discount. This is the last straw." The fisherman of 30 years and his co-op will be taking its 40-meter trawler and going fishing off Somalia. "We will rely on the local market and other business to make a living" he said, proudly showing off his boat with its deck-mounted .50 caliber Bofors gun.
Godzilla is not pleased with the decision. "Seriously, man, 28 years after the Pixies came out with Monkey Gone to Heaven, you all have forgotten the lyrics and the message. And I’ve already lost 5 cleaners in the last 6 years – they just can’t keep up. Next time Ghidra attacks the earth, you people can take care of him. Good luck with that. Really. No, I mean it."
Kim Jong-un of North Korea, however, has made no comment to date. He has ordered his 35,000-man Popular Scuba Forces to be equipped with buckets, alarming military analysts. They speculate that North Korea will now adopt a strategy of slow nucular attack. Scuba divers would invade Japan and South Korea at night, sneak up on unsuspecting civilians and dump a bucket of tritium-contaminated ocean water on their heads. US military experts theorize that they would then follow up by writing "pwnd" on their front doors.
- Julian Ryall "Fishermen express fury as Fukushima plant set to release radioactive material into ocean". The Telegraph, July 13, 2017