UnNews:Syrian president wins Best Tyrant Award
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Syrian president wins Best Tyrant Award
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 03:02:UTC)(
27 February 2012
LOS ANGELES, CA, USA --
Syrian president Bashar al-Assad beat off tough opposition to win the Best Tyrant Award at the annual Anti-Humanitarian Awards (The Adolfs) in Hollywood last night. Besting off stiff competition from Libya's former leader Muammar Gaddafi (deceased), Kim Jong-Il (deceased) from North Korea and John Stewart, Assad's performance in the film The One-Sided Battle of Homs was considered a worthy winner.
Speaking via a video link from his presidential palace in Damascus, a tearful Assad thanked his father (deceased), Iran, Vladimir Putin and China for the award. He said he would celebrate by making a sequel with Homs:My Bloody Retribution. Assad's speech was richly celebrated by arms manufacturers - though on the Saudia Arabian table, the various sheiks threw non-alcoholic cocktails in the direction of the screen.
The award for Best Tyrantrix went to the German Chancellor Angela Merkel for her efforts at attempting to put Greece into the dustbin of history in Der Euro Krisis. Merkel was up against Argentinian president Cristina Kirchener (Don't Cry For Me Colonial British Imperialists), Hillary Clinton for the USA (Me and Barack Obama) and Carla Bruni-Sarkozy made a silent nude guest appearance on behalf of France in Le Bling-Bling Artiste. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher had been expected to win for her recent performance as British leader David Cameron's inspiration in Whinger, Wanker, Beggared Banking Sector and Executive Thief. Instead Thatcher was granted an honorary award for her body of film work in the 1980s. It was collected on her behalf by Meryl Streep.
The Best Supporting Tyrant award went this year to Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for My Big Fat Nuclear Holocaust Threat, though it is understood his success has been challenged by his ex-friend Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Other strong contenders were Venuezuela's Hugo Chavez and Raul Castro of Cuba. In the Best Supporting Tyrantrix category, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe' wife Grace Marufu won, despite a last minute surge of support for Angelina Jolie in a split skirt.
Other winners on the night, in the Non-State Actor Category, were Christina Lagarde for the IMF with her role in The Lady With the Orange Complexion, beating both her loose trousered predecessor Dominique Strauss-Kahn with his Unexpected Room Service in New York City and Osama Bin Laden (deceased) for his last film Last Al-Quaeda Stand-Up in Abbottabad. The final winners on the night for Failed State of 2012 were Somalia, just beating to death Afghanistan (deceased), Iraq and Palestine. Greece's entry was disallowed on the technicality that their country has failed to officially fail just yet, but will have a strong chance of winning in 2013.
The ceremony was as glizty as always. The red carpet saw many rich looking men, followed by the bodyguards and trophy wives/girlfriends/'daughters' enter the famous Eisenhower Military Industrial Complex - otherwise known as Hollywood - for films and television shows that have made 'war' very sexy at the box office.