UnNews:Sylvia's Mother, Mrs Avery admits she lied
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Sylvia's Mother, Mrs Avery admits she lied
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 17:01:UTC)(
4 October 2008
Sylvia’s mother, Mrs. Avery, who famously prevented her daughter from continuing her relationship with eyepatch-wearing boyfriend Dr Hook, admitted yesterday to lying during the famous telephone conversation.
For the first time in over 35 years, she came clean about the call that ended forever hopes of a reunion between Hook and Sylvia.
“I told him that Sylvia was too busy, too busy to come to the phone … she was not, in fact. She was sitting watching the tv. I said the first thing that came into my head: That Sylvia was trying to start a new life of her own; that she was happy, that kind of thing. I advised Hook to leave her alone.”
“Fortunately, the Phone Operator then interrupted the conversation and told Hook that if he wanted to speak for a longer time, it would cost him another 40 cents. I thought that this would be enough to end the call, but I guess Hook must have had some money to hand.”
"He kept on saying ‘Please, Mrs. Avery, I’ve just gotta talk to her. I’ll only keep her awhile.’ Nevertheless, I know what my Sylvia is like. Once she starts yapping, she would be on that damn phone for hours.”
“I hate telling lies, but once I had started, I couldn’t stop. I even told Hook that she was packing and leaving to marry a fellah. But where was she going? I noticed one of my Glen Campbell albums nearby and told Hook: ‘Galveston’!
“I then advised Hook not to make Sylvia start crying and stay. I can’t deal with all them tears twenty-four seven. Sylvia is a blubberer.”
“Then the Operator repeated the ‘forty cents more for the next three minutes’ warning and I thought ‘Great, maybe he doesn’t have any money. This call will be over soon. Hook repeated that he just wanted to talk to Sylvia and tell her ‘Goodbye’. I suspected this was just a ploy to get me to cave in and let her talk to him. But I was not so dumb.”
Mrs. Avery admitted that she was not proud of what she had done, but at the time, the lies came thick and fast. “ I was worried that he would turn up at my house to see Sylvia, so I told him that Sylvia was hurrying because she was catching the nine o’clock train. (This was not technically a lie; she was going to make a nine o’clock train journey, but to work the next day, but I made Hook think it was imminent.)”
On hearing the news, popular singer Dr Hook responded, “I always suspected that Mrs. Avery was lying to me because towards the end of the conversation, I heard her tell Sylvia that it was starting to rain and she should take her umbrella. Sylvia lived in Texas and at the time, they were in the middle of a heat wave!”
“In fact, I wondered if Mrs. Avery was in league with the Operator as a way of cutting short the phone call by demanding I put more money in, but I could never prove it.”
However, Dr Hook suspected a darker truth. "Several months before, while Sylvia and I were still dating, Mrs. Avery made a drunken pass at me. I’m certain that my rejecting her advances was the real reason why she stopped me from speaking to her daughter that day. It is a shame that a mature woman like Mrs. Avery would resort to childish lies.”
But the final word goes to Mrs. Avery, who responded to Hook’s comments about her falsehoods. “He has a damn nerve to criticize me for lying. He calls himself ‘Doctor’, but he’s not even qualified!”