UnNews:Switzerland: The Newest Member in The Axis of Evil™
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Switzerland: The Newest Member in The Axis of Evil™
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 06:42 (UTC)
26 June 2006
EDELWEISS, SWITZERLAND -- With Iraq now under the rule of Nouri al-Maliki, many political scientists have begun to believe that The Axis of Evil™ is now down to two members. That is not the case, said President Bush in a 2006 press report.
"Switzerland is a nation which poses a threat to the entirety of civilization, especially the United States," Bush stated. "According to respectable intelligence sources , Switzerland is entirely capable of making nukular weapons, much like Iraq once was. In addition, French is one of their national languages, making them far more likely to make nuclear weapons than North Korea, which we all know is backing down. Their secretive banks compete with U.S. ones, which is a horrendous act in this day of executive responsibility. Furthermore, these banks are also filled with terrorist operated security boxes filled with money that serves no purpose but to hurt and kill unarmed civilians. The Swiss must either send forces to Iraq and Afghanistan or be obliterated."
Dubya's views were recently confirmed by the Libyan Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi, who asked the United Nations to abolish Switzerland, "a mafia and terrorist state whose land should be shared among its neighbouring countries" . However, which sides of the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts should the Swiss army join is still being contentiously debated between Dubya and Muammar, and other petro-oligarchs. At press time, there is still no sight from Bin-Laden even though no stones have remained unturned.Pundits on both the left and the right have applauded Bush's decision. Al Franken was heard saying "I know Bush is an idiot and an asshole, but deciding to put Switzerland on the list of potential terrorist nations shows Europe that we support her in her efforts to destroy nations that refuse to embrace the euro." Similarly, Bill O'Reilly quipped "Bush has sent a clear message to the people of the world: Neutrality is even worse than Liberalism. If they're not with us, then they are against us."
Similar thoughts were heard from the world community. Quoth Kofi Annan "Switzerland refused to join the U.N. for many years because it was afraid that weapons inspectors would reveal the huge stockpiles of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons buried deep under the Alps." Prominent Scouser Jamie Carragher agreed, saying " Blt FIFA is de reason England 'asn't won a Wirld Cup in years, and it's based in Geneva. Dey nose deys de reason der Pewl 'as lost ter Man U recently. Blewdy wankers."
The Pope, who is guarded by the Swiss, was unavailable for comment, as were the secretive, greedy, neutral, and child-eating Barbarians of the Alps known to us as the Swiss.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|