UnNews:Swine flu cured using blue dye found in M&M's!
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Swine flu cured using blue dye found in M&M's!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 09:19:UTC)(
29 July 2009
NEW YORK CITY -- Researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that when they injected the same blue food dye found in M&M's into a small, seven year old girl, who was infected with swine flu and being used as a test subject; the dye reacted to the virus by turning it blue, allowing the virus to feel down enough for the human antibodies to kill it off.
"I was sick and now I'm better," said the seven year old girl when interviewed by UnNews. The only side affect of the cure is the irreversable blue color of the patient's skin after being injected with the formula, but doctors and patients alike agree that being blue is better than being dead.
"The Hulk aint got shit on me mothafuckas!," said one cured man who seemed to be enjoying the side effect, rather than complaining about it. According to studies; the blue skin tone will actually come in useful when determining how many people are has-beens of swine flu. People will now be able to walk in the street and point and say, "Look at that blue dude, he had Swine Flu! -GASP!-"
Further studies revealed that eating blue M&M's acts like a vaccination against the virus and will prevent people from contracting it, but the Mars company has currently removed all blue M&M's from the production line after realizing that the new market for these candies is suddenly very high. They are now withholding the blue M&M's from the general public in hopes of the medical institutions coming forward with bigger and better offers.
"Those money hungry bastards!" Said one disappointed potential swine-fluist from Europe; "I just finished my last pack of M&M's which had blue ones in it about a week ago and I was planning to buy more, but bought Smarties instead. WhatalotIcouldagot!"
Whatever the outcome of this revolutionary new cure and prevention may be; it should be a positive one either way. People who still happen to have blue M&M's lying around should be able to make a great profit, while the number in blue, healthy people rises daily.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
- Eifel 65 "Eifel 65 re-releases hit single for new swine flu trend; "I'm Blue Da Ba Dee Da Ba Dai"". Eifel 65, July 29, 2009