UnNews:Swine Flu Mutatates With Scientology

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Swine Flu Mutatates With Scientology

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 15:30:59 (UTC)

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6 August 2009

The H1N1 virus has mutated viciously with Scientology and created a new super virus Swinetology! John Travolta, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are among the more prominent members that have been affected by the new superbug. Both John and Katie have passed away but are now thought to be safely reincarnated on a planet in a galaxy far far away at a time long long ago, Tom is clinging onto life by a thread and is on his deathbed. He has made several confessions, including that he never had dsylixa dyslexia and lied on his application forms

Tom on his deathbed in the throes of Swinetology.

for a job as a

Scientologist, that he never loved Katie Holmes and in fact only married her to conceal his blatant homosexuality. Many other confessions will no doubt be broadcast on E News through out the day. Rumor also has it that although bed ridden Tom will be instigating a civil union with his Mexican pool boy and possibly having a marriage certificate published in Massachusetts.

Scientists with the WHO WWE have given guidelines on how to avoid contracting this new form of the disease. Professor Hulk Hogan has been quoted as saying "To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong" meanwhile The Undertaker is expecting a resurgence in business!

normal healthy swine flu cells look like this, however the new mutated version has a smug look of self satisfaction and repressed homoerotic thoughts

Scientologists, themselves are quick to blame Xenu and are refusing all tablets and medicines, they are attempting to cure this mutation by using E-meters and will provide this treatment to anyone for a small fee of $1400 dollars, however they are quick to say that you may require several if not dozens of treatments before being cured and also are quick to say that chances are you might not be cured at all ever and will probably die. Under which circumstances, they wish you to sign a disclaimer granting them ownership of all your assets and power of attorney of your estate. Although localized in A-list celebrity circles for the time being there is a chance it may move down the chain to those with even weaker standings such as James Blunt.

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