UnNews:Swimmer Phelps sorry, vows not to get caught again

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5 February 2009

Phelps gold
Michael Phelps, a national hero
Baltimore, Maryland -- Just days after profoundly apologizing about getting caught with a bong, US swimmer Michael Phelps, 23, is in trouble again. Phelps, who won eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics in 2008, says he "accidentally uploaded" a video depicting further questionable behaviour. "I'm really sorry," he said. "I thought I was uploading another clip, one that has footage of my kitten, Mr. Fluffy, doing backflips."

Phelps quickly took down the wrong video and uploaded the correct one, but by then it was too late - an adoring fan had saved the clip and sold it to the media for an undisclosed amount. "I swear to God, this will never, ever happen again," Phelps said. "When I catch the wanker who sold the video I'll nail him on a wall, rip out his pancreas, and feed it to Mr. Fluffy. We'll see if anyone is brave enough to fuck with Michael Phelps after that."

edit Criticism

US Olympic Committee representative Fred Jones-Drew said he was "somewhat disappointed" with Phelps getting caught again. "We don't care what the athletes do on their own time. You gotta let your hair down sometimes. Work hard and party harder, you know? I mean, is there really anyone who at some point in their life hadn't snorted some happy dust, beaten up some hobos and cut a crack whore or two with a box cutter? The point is, you don't videotape that shit. And if you do, you keep the footage locked up in a goddamned safe in your basement, and only watch it when no one else is around. Right?"

edit The footage

The video shows Phelps and Adam "Pacman" Jones, a Dallas Cowboys cornerback, oiled and naked, smoking marijuana and doing cocaine in what appears to be Phelps' Baltimore home. The couple then proceeds to sing ABBA classics aided by a karaoke machine. During the song "Mamma Mia!" the men break into a wrestling match, which Jones appears to win. Phelps congratulates him, slapping him on the buttocks, and leaves the picture. After a short while he returns with a box full of Barbie dolls and plastic farm animals. Speaking in high-pitched voices, the men seem to stage a dogfighting scene, with a doll dressed in Atlanta Falcons jersey firing shots at the animals and the spectators. A group of sheep, pigs and horses then enters the arena, turning the scene into an inter-species orgy. With a blinking low battery warning, the picture fades into static.

The next scene shows Phelps and Jones dressed in Victorian outfits and wigs, having a fancy tea party. Shooting heroin and sipping whiskey from delicate porcelain cups while holding up their pinky fingers, the men converse in a fake British accent, on various topics ranging from the Russian abolition of serfdom after Crimean War to the influence of photography to Pre-Raphaelite artists. Phelps is then shown giving crumpets to a kitten, walking to the camera, and turning it off.

edit Sources

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