UnNews:Swayze's Ghost Communicates Via Medium
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Swayze's Ghost Communicates Via Medium
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 10:12:UTC)(
15 September 2009
Ghost Town, California (Phantom press) - Hollywood celebrity Patrick Swayze, star of blockbuster movies Dirty Dancing and Ghost, informed the world he is dead and well, speaking via Whoopi Goldberg at a local seance Monday. "I have entered Whoopi's body." Swayze asserted. "The possession wasn't difficult, though we were both a bit rusty, having rehearsed it over and over so many years ago. Once we got the rhythm going, it was like old times. Being dead hasn't affected my technique in the slightest."
Skeptics were quick to question the genuineness of the encounter. "Looks like some old lady jiggling her body about, not much else," commented Harry Houdini, through Nicole Kidman. "These possessive communications were discredited years ago. They're as phony as Tom Cruise. I mean Charlie Chaplin."
But Swayze was adamant. "Now that I'm dead and no one can do anything about it, I have a helluva lot to get off my chest. Come to think of it, I seem to have suddenly added a helluva lot to my chest. But mostly I want to get back at that guy who murdered my wife Demi."
When reminded his wife's name was Lisa, Swayze was somewhat embarrassed. "The line between reality and fiction has been a bit hazy lately. Lisa, Demi, Whoopi - it's confusing." When asked about his after-life experiences, he added, "I admit I'm beginning to like the heavenly pleasure of mulitiple realities."
"I can feel Patrick's presence," stated Demi Moore, speaking through her agent. "It's eerie. He's entered through my doors and stalked me around my home, just like Bruce used to do when I met Ashton. When you think how many ghosts there must be out there, you freak out. I can't imagine how many people may have seen me naked."
Swayze did not seem to be bothered by such a prospect. "It's a better life, afterwards. Here, I can lay back in the ladies' change room sniffing fumes with Ed McMahon, dirty dance with Farrah Fawcett, or read the celeb gossip about Princess Di and Emperor Napoleon. Makes me wonder why I didn't enter this state sooner. Reminds me of that time on the Hollywood Squares - I mean...gotta go bye."
Goldberg could not be reached for (further) comment.
- Christy "Boo! ...I said Boo!" Lemire "Medium: Patrick Swayze Has a Helluva Lot to Say". Associated Press, September 14, 2009