UnNews:Suspected Terror Strike Shuts Down IKEA Amsterdam

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13 March 2009

Ikea
This is a hastily put together dramatic image of IKEA

AMSTERDAM, The Netherlands --In a swift and decisive raid, the Dutch police arrested seven suspects, in relation to the alleged bombing plot of IKEA in Amsterdam.

The raid was initiated following the police being alerted by an anonymous phone call traced to Belgium in during which the caller stated that:


No more will the free nations of Europe stand the abomination of the IKEA furniture. No MORE! will they be left with one extra screw supposedly as an "extra" while we fear that our house will crumble beneath our feet. NO MORE! WILL WE TRY TO COMPREHEND THE CRYPTIC INSTRUCTION MANUAL THAT INCLUDES ONLY HAPPY LOOKING SWEDISH CARTOONS THAT GET EVERYTHING RIGHT IN THE FIRST GO!


And with that, reported the police, the call ended amidst shrieks of anger and the thunder of collapsing furniture.


IKEA Amsterdam's manager, Svensön Björläåndäer looked bewildered as he watched the security barriers being set around the IKEA compound.


"Jag har ingen aning om hur vi lyckats förarga dem[1]" said Björläåndäer "Vi vill bara göra människor nöjda med våra lekfulla högkvalitativa möbler som vi levererar till sådana rimliga priser[2]"


"Why as for myself, I hold a whole range of MALM products shifted Björläåndäer into English noticing the reporters' glazed eyes "They're nice and brown, nearly smooth and their tilt is only at about 15 degrees. And I only lost 3 Swedish meat balls due to that tilt. So these are very good pieces of furniture in Swedish standards!"


"In fact" added Björläåndäer "as part of our never ending attempts to improve our selection and services available to our customers, we've recently added a whole new line we'd like to call the Explosiva Linje which includes, for our more exotic customers a whole new line of "do it yourself" explosive devices including the all time favorite IKEA's trademark of "spare detonators - you'll never know if the device will blow up in your hands!". So yes, we are a bit dumbfounded." concluded Björläåndäer.


Amongst other suspected targets, the police also shut down the ever so popular gadget and electronics shop "Mediamarkt" in the same region of Amsterdam, thereby enraging thousands of Dutch geeks, who then vowed revenge on those who would dare to stand between them and their toys.


"This is a dark day for Amsterdam indeed" said Job Cohen, Amsterdam's mayor in a press conference hastily put together "We believe those damn terrorists are trying to push our beloved Amsterdam back into the stone age" he waved his hands furiously from the top of the hastily put together IKEA speaker's podium


"They wish to devastate our economy by forcing us to purchase expensive furniture"


"They wish to rob us out of plasma TVs, iPhones and GPSs"

Explasive!
Explaasif! the new line offered by IKEA


"They wish to take away our treasured lifestyle, and from this hastily put together podium, I'm telling you my fellow Amsterdamers, NO MORE! NO MORE!"


And with that battle cry, mayor Cohen and the hastily put together booth tilted in a dangerous 23 degrees angle and tumbled to the ground amidst the hastily put together sympathetic crowds.


No comment was available from the Dutch police who took the day off.



edit Footnotes

  1. I have no idea how we managed to anger those people
  2. We only want to make people happy with our playful high quality furniture which we deliver in such affordable prices


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