UnNews:Survivor producer may offer miners (or families) TV series

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12 August 2007

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Huntington, UT mining catastrophe may launch TV show!

HUNTINGTON, UT - The catastrophic cave-in of the coal mine in Huntington, UT, may make the miners (or their families) very wealthy. The producers of the reality television series Survivor have allegedly offered the mine’s co-owner Robert Mummy and his miners a series of their own, tentatively called Survivors II.

“Once we heard that the rescuers had found a ‘survivable space’ deep within the Utah mountains, we decided to offer them their own series, whether they get out of their current situation alive or not,” Porky Bess, a representative of the series told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies.

“What do you mean ‘if they survive,’” Mummy challenged. “Now that our camera’s found a survivable space, they have no excuse for not surviving. If those ungrateful bastards die after all the time, effort, and expense I’ve put into this rescue operation, there’s going to be hell to pay. I’m not paying them overtime for their little stunt, and I may even dock their regular wages. Somebody has to pay for all this--if not a TV producer, then they themselves and their families.”

According to Mummy, friends and families of the trapped miners have sent personal messages to the men in hopes of encouraging them.

“I told my man I took lessons in exotic dancing so I can dance on his lap once they haul his ass out of that black hole, so hang on, honey,” one miner's wife revealed.

Another miner's wife also spoke some encouraging words into the bowels of the earth, advising her husband that his Viagra is waiting” for him, “alongside my Vigorelle, whenever you’re ready.”

Mummy has supervised the rescue operation, during which, while miners work night and day underground to free their trapped colleagues, he has directed drilling operations. Because of his orders, one drill opened a space inside a chamber, only to be met with silence. It is believed Mummy has no idea what the inside of his mine looks like or where his men may be.

“That will build suspense in the TV series,” he anticipated. “Maybe viewers will think everyone’s dead. Later, rescue operators might find them, after the audience has given up hope. To make the plot unpredictable, some of the ones they find--if they find any of them at all--might be alive, while others are dead.”

The camera that discovered the “survivable space” was withdrawn so that it CBS, which airs the Survivor TV series, could affix its logo to the camera’s lens. Then, with this label in place, the camera was reintroduced into the mine chamber in which, it is hoped, the miners may have taken refuge.

Asked what he will do if the miners are found dead, rather than alive, once the rescue team finds them, Survivor’s creator, Charlie Parsons, said, “That’s an easy one. We make the show about their families. The people who outlive their dead loved ones are called ‘survivors,’ too. In fact, if this happens, we might even call the series Surviving Families. The public has already shown how much they’re interested in this sort of entertainment. The so-called networks‘ news shows‘ ratings have gone through the ceiling ever since the Utah catastrophe started, and there‘s no sign of any decline in the foreseeable future!”

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