|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 April 2009
LONDON, England The results of a survey produced by the Home Office today show that, as a result of the recession, a 29% rise in theft is to be anticipated. The British Crime Survey is an annual, compulsory document which the Home Office sends out every year consisting of a twenty page, multiple choice questionnaire; the recipients of the questionnaire, all of whom are professional criminals, fill out the questionnaire detailing any major as well as all minor offenses they plan to commit that year. From these results the government is then able to create a mean percentage which is then released to the public.
This year's survey has not been much of a surprise to the Home Office, many of the participants of the questionnaires attached pieces of paper explaining their motives for a higher criminal activity. "We have determined from the survey that we should expect at least a 29% increase in theft. We have broken the category of 'theft' down into two sub-categories," Vernon Coaker, the minister of the Home Office said in a press conference held outside the gates to Downing Street, "The first is 'Personal Theft' with a rise of 25% which includes muggings, car theft and the stealing of pets, the second is 'Burglaries' with a rise of 4% which includes times when the perpetrator breaks into a house and steals the possessions within. We can confidently say that this rise in crime is due to the recession that this country, among others, is currently suffering from. We have received many letters apologising in advance for the high rate of crime which we are due to suffer from." The police have asked people who are victim to any kind of theft to be wary that they were warned, "We remind people that there is to be a considerate drop in arrests this year as we have been warned about these crimes. We should be responsible for protecting our homes and any slip up on our part cannot be blamed on the burglars."
A separate survey, of the same name, was also sent out to those people who choose violent crimes over theft. "We are happy to announce that crimes of a violent nature, including gun crime and rape, will be seeing a downfall this year with many of the perpetrators of these crimes having switched to theft in an attempt to ride out the recession." These statistics show that being unexpectedly dumped into a situation, such as a recession, can bring out the best in people who we had previously given up hope on. A spokesperson from the Association of Police Authorities has described the coming together of the population as "... exactly what Britain needs at a time like this. This report is as promising as it is damning; although we are to be subject to a high level of theft, it is for an understandable cause and will ultimately lower the amount of more serious, violent crimes that the country usually has to bare."
- Alan Travis "Crime figures show rise in theft as recession bites". Guardian Online, April 23rd, 2009