UnNews:Survey Places Bush at Public Enemy No. 2
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Survey Places Bush at Public Enemy No. 2
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 3, 2016, 10:17:UTC)(
29 November 2007
A new survey by the New York Times reveals that Osama Bin Ladin is still public enemey number one. The shocking news came with the announcment of the runner up, Mr. President Bush. A Times spokesperson said they had checked their computations several times, but concluded the same thing each time. The survey was conducted over a two month period and had polled 550,000 individuals. On an unrelated note, Rosie O'Donald was enemy number three. The White House didn't respond to the findings, presumably to not draw attention to the sad truth. The Times withdrew the article from their website six hours after its creation. A spokesperson for the paper was quoted as saying, "Here at the Times, we report the news, not create it. Also, we have a wonderful staff of Arab writers, and have no desire to lose them to a military prison." After this statement the spokesperson was terminated, but it is rumored that this was a stunt, and the writer will stay on under the alias of "Dixel McRosenthalburg". Mr. Bush attempted to launch an investigation into the Times reporting techniques, but could not secure the funding from Congress.
This is only the latest in a string of very embarrassing stories to hit the ill-fated Bush Administration in the past few weeks. While small things can be ignored, such as the delivery of 50,000 shotgun shells to Mr. Cheney's home from a military suppley base, or the fact that Mr. Bush's broken Spanish is actually better than his English, or that the president's approval rating is below freezing while the icecaps melt can be ignored, but there are larger issues at play. Recentely Condelezza Rice purchased twelve feet of polyester rope, several sheets of plywood, some hinges, and a few other pieces of lumber that led the media to suspect that she was considering suacide. A writer at the Seattle Post-Inteligencer sugested that she should simply go hunting with Mr. Cheney if she wishes to end her existence. On being asked about Ms Rice's condition Mr. Bush pulled a hip flask from his jacket, blushed, replaced the flask and stated, "Well if Condi is feeling down, maybe she just needs some of my happy pills. Laura gives them to me all the time, they are a real kick in the pants!" After this proclamation, an aid hurried the president off the stage claiming that he had a sore throat.
An even more shocking story to hit the headlines was the leaked memo that suggested quote on quote, "Here's an idea folks, seeing as George's approval is cold as Hilary Clinton right now, how do you like the idea of hiring a hooker to blow him in the Oval Office. It worked for Clinton! If anybody has a good one, please call me and I'll audition her, if ya know what I mean!!" This shameful story may turn some Republican heads, and instead of making them more open to people in general, knowing that you don't have to be 100% biblicly moral to be in the White House, it will simply make them even more opposed to everything.
- TurboChargedMonkey "[ Original]". [[wikipedia:|]], November, 29, 2007