UnNews:Supreme Court to hear Gibson case in 2035
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
24 May 2009
SHERMAN OAKS, California -- The Supreme Court is scrambling to clear their docket for the upcoming estate dispute case involving the death of noted actor and film maker, Mel Gibson, who's death is believed to be coming as early as the year 2035.
The court can't be slow on this one, insiders say, noting that Gibson's death is so near that it's best to start now. Mel Gibson's upcoming death came as a surprise to many, who note that he is only 54. However, Gibson is only a near billionaire, and lives in a backwater undeveloped nation in the North American continent, so has an expected life span of as little as 79 or so years.
Two of Gibson's seven children are already making preparations to deal with the rapidly approaching death, by preparing to contest their father's will. It being within twenty five years of when their dad could reasonably be expected to die, they have expressed a desire to hire attorney's to protect their inheritance from greedy heirs and false claimants, such as their dad's new girl friend and their soon to be new sibling.
"Clearly our father is near death", said Edward Gibson, speaking from his usual room at Sunnyvale Rehabilitation Center, "Look at his erratic and out of control behavior. Here he has near a billion dollars, has been seperated from my mom for three years, is known for his virility and sex appeal, and now has unaccountably taken up with a Russian model in her twenties. Is that sane?"
His brother Christian agrees. "Dad's just out of control, and I think it's senile dementia. I remember when he bailed me out of that drunk driving charge...he was several hours late in doing so. I tell you, I'm sorry to say it, but I doubt he'll live much longer then 20 to 30 more years."
At stake is Mel Gibson's billion dollar fortune, which after the divorce (assuming the ailing Mel can stave off death that long) will be approximately $500,000,000. Currently, two of Mel's sons seem to be making an assumption that each child will get 1/7th of that, though it's known that Mel Gibson and his current wife Robyn have given greatly to charity over the years. 1/7th would be about 71.5 million dollars per child. However, with this new girl friend now pregnant, it's possible that the future estate might be split eight ways, dropping each child's "share" to only 62.5 million dollars.
It might be even worse then that, reports a source close to the family. Daughter Hannah Gibson already has two children, and if they are included, then the expected inheritance will already be divided nine ways, meaning that each descendent would have to subsist on 55.5 million dollars. With the latest child due several decades before Mel's upcoming death, this would drop everyone's share down to only 50 million dollars.
It is believed that the Gibson twins (Christian and Edward) discussed the feasibility of filing an injunction against their sister Hannah, prohibiting her from further breeding. However, she is an adult and had a lawyer. But an injunction against the fetus of Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva has already been filed, and male or female, the fetus is to be prohibited (in the year 2023 when it reaches puberty) from "breeding more heirs before the rapidly approaching death of our dear father".
Mel Gibson's loving sons aren't the only ones contesting the soon to be needed hypothetical will. It is expected that several charitable organizations will be filing protests, as they were likely to be beneficiaries of Gibson's largess. Spokesman for Teen Outreach, Russia's largest charity for the aid of runaway girls, said, "We think it's outrageous, that while their dad lies on death's door, that these kids are squabbling over who gets what. Obviously Mel would have wanted a sizeable portion to go to us, let the kids fight over the rest." The Center for the Education of Mayan Girls agrees. "Mel would want us to have some, so as we could better remember his great respect for our people.", said spokeswoman Itzel Hernandez-Gibson.
The AARP (American Association of Retired People) is expected to file an Amicus Curiae with the Supreme Court in which they are taking a rather novel approach. Fantastically, they are expected to argue that 54 is not that old, and that a death unlikely to take place until China's plan for a moon landing comes true is not that imminent. Further, they are going to suggest, as radical as it sounds, that a man still not yet fifty five may be reasonably assumed to have his full faculties intact, and should be permitted some say in who gets what. They offer as supposed "proof" that Mel Gibson is still making movies, and has had no troubles running his affairs, in spite of his greatly advanced age.
His children have dismissed this as simply the ravings of a special interest group known for it's bizarre stances. A family spokesman said at a press conference, "Their father is at death's door and they're trying to protect him from himself in his time of mental debilitation. Now, they'd like to be left alone to spend what few decades they have left in preparing for his passing."