UnNews:Supreme Court throws out Gargamel Case
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Supreme Court throws out Gargamel Case
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 10:44:UTC)(
11 August 2007
Waco, Texas-- Friday, SCotUS unanimously concurred that the "78 counts of 'cruelty to animals' and 14 of 'destruction of fungal homes without a permit'" be dropped and that Aloysius Devadander Abercrombie; A.K.A. Gargamel, A.K.A. that big Meany; be found not guilty on all accounts and be released immediately upon completion of the hearing due to the findings in Azrael's (Gargamel's Cat/lover) droppings back in March.
Shortly after last January’s Supreme Court hearing, Azrael,“...coughed up enough of indigestible Smurf for coroners to make a positive identification based on dental imprints”. Shortly there after a lone Texas Ranger, Walker, was sent out to investigate the droppings of Azrael, whom previously was staying with Gargamel’s God-Father Balthazar in Martha's Vineyard, MA. Walker, after kicking some butt and taking some names, cleaned Azrael’s litter box and sent the droppings out to UCLA for further examination.
Prof. James D. Buffet, Director of the Bio-Criminal Investigation Dept. at UCLA reported: “I found the remnants of Smurf berries, little white booties and hats, traces amounts of meow mix, and lastly parts of all 12 missing Smurfs”. On a side note Prof. Buffet (or Jimmy as he preferred) was found in a drunken state wandering an undisclosed beach later that next morning with a guitar in hand. Buffett told officials that he was " Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt". California State Trooper Mike Hunt told UNNews that: "Some people claim that there is a women to blame....but I know, it's only his darn fault".
Azrael, who was later found guilty of 12 counts of first degree murder, was sentenced to death by White Out, since death by eraser has been banned in Massachusetts where Azrael was being charged. Gargamel held a memorial service at 'St. Anne’s House for the Damned and Wicked' right after the cat had been white outed. “Azrael killed those dingle-berry eating, la la fu fu singing, blue A**holes!!! Now I’ll never get to use those Smurfs for my lead to gold spell…. well not that I intended on hurting them of course…” Gargamel was then cut short by his lawyer, Attorney Smurf.
Fox News and Neil Cavuto covered the Smurf's reactions. Papa Smurf claimed that this was a travesty of justice. Papa Smurf blames George W. Bush for putting Smurfs down as suspects in the war against terror, and the Supreme Court for not respecting the rights of Smurfs that were murdered. "Smurf, what the smurf is this world coming to, by smurf? A Smurf cannot smurf justice in a smurfing democracy anymore." spoke Papa Smurf. This is just like the time that the USA bombed the VietSmurf village during the Vietnam Conflict, Papa Smurf claims. The US government still denies responsibility for the destruction of the Smurfs Vietsmurf village.
- Modusoperandi "UnNews:Supreme Court decision nail in coffin for Gargamel". Smurfs, January 23,2007
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|