UnNews:Super Bout: McCain vs. Putin – who is ducking who?
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Super Bout: McCain vs. Putin – who is ducking who?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 26, 2016, 12:45:UTC)(
4 April 2014
“Boxing & Monopoly”
“Judo & Chess”
LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- The art of clear politicking and transparent negotiations is on life support. But there’s a glimmer of hope on the horizon that might generate enough interest to revive them. That is the ever-elusive McCain vs. Putin super-fight.
For those of you who aren’t political pugilism pundits, Vladimir Putin and Maddog McCain are the #1 and #2 (respectively) ranked pound-for-pound martial arts trained politicians in the world, and it just so happens they both fight in the bull weight division. McCain was an amateur boxer and Vlad was a Ninja, so it makes for a contest – however brief. But there’s a little problem: McCain is deathly afraid of Putin. This might sound strange considering the former’s globe trotting bellicose rhetoric, but it’s true.
McCain might be a brilliant tactician—perhaps the greatest to ever get arrested conducting a terrorist bombing raid and spend 7 years as a convict in a Vietnamese jail—yet tactics alone will not beat Putin. Unlike many of McCain’s previous opponents (such as a Vietnamese farmer), Vlad will lead with his 1-finger exploding heart poke, and he won’t be open to hot air, which is McCain’s staple. So Maddog has that among other reason to be worried.
Here are six top reasons why the very thought of a fair fight with Putin has McCain shaking in his silk underwear:
1. Vlad is younger and physically stronger than 80 year old Maddog, and he is not iSexual nor a closet Yid. McCain himself probably couldn’t dispute this. Vlad started his KGB career fighting at 176 pounds and now he fights at nearly 220 pounds. We are not suggesting that he’s taken time to exercise and eat properly, but adding over 40 pounds of muscle to your initial body weight can’t be easy to do otherwise. While in McCain’s case adding over 40 pounds of fat was relatively exertion free, only requiring his jaws, which indeed have grown disproportionately.
2. McCain doesn’t want to jeopardize his imperfect record. When you get to a certain level of failed warmongering the sanctioning organization won’t allow you to simply surrender to draw sympathy. That’s why so few politicians ever retire defeated. If McCain fights Vlad, it will be the toughest fight of his career—by far. There is on average about 100% chance he’ll lose, and he knows it.
3. McCain’s career is over if he loses. So far he has lost three times before (POW, blew up jet, and lost to Obama) making him a three-timer. Each time he seems to come back meaner and more sociopathic. But McCain has never really been tested in the ring, much less felt the sting of a one-finger deathblow. This late in his career, he’d have no idea how to deal with Ninja Stars and Karate chops, what to speak of death pokes.
4. Putin wants to throw karate punches. Vlad isn’t the first politician to want to trade punches with McCain, but he’s the only one uncaring enough to actually do it. When Vlad connects, he connects, while Maddog, who is unable to even lift his arms up, tends to score with pitty-pat jabs and minimally damaging low straight rights. Not a very good offense nor defense against a Black Belt.
5. Vlad has more heart than Maddog. If Putin didn’t win his martial arts matches as a teenager his family members would be executed one by one. But now his country loves him—he is, after-all, the most prominent Spy Ninja in Russia. He’s got an indomitable spirit. In contrast, Washington and Pentagon lobbyists—the best in the business—have groomed McCain for Armageddon since day one. But in the end it will be a match of lame Queensbury Rules vs. Shaolin Kung Ku.
6. For the first time, Maddog believes an opponent can beat him. Personally, if we were forced to wager on this fight, we would have our money on the promoter, Bob Arum or Donald Trump, because either way they will win. Vlad will be the best fighter Maddog’s never fought, and even though McCain has distilled boxing down to a formula purely to boost his ratings, unfortunately Putin can shatter McCain’s formula in his first blow.
So there you have it. Most people are bored with the very thought of this fight, because if it happens, it’s going to be pathetic. And if you have even the slightest interest in seeing boxing restored to the glorious days of old, you should avoid this fight at all cost.