UnNews:Sunnis, Shia clash at Australian Open tennis

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15 January 2007

IIM
"Long may his testicles shrivel!" jokes crowd favourite Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf at the post-match press conference.

MELBOURNE, Australia. GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK). SUNNI and Shia tennis fanatics were involved in violent clashes at the Australian Open tennis in Melbourne yesterday. The carnage resulted in a 24-year-old Melbourne Shia man being given a small bottle of water by pudgy volunteer ambulance officers after he was struck in the face with a plastic slipper.

Bubbling rivalries between rival supporters of the rival sects spilled on to centre court on account of the tense rubber between the United Arab Emirates' Sunni serve-and-volley merchant Muhammad Saeed "Comical Ali" al-Sahhaf and Iran's long-forgotten reformist baseliner Mohammad Khatami (who narrowly succeeded in gaining wild-card entry to the tournament).

At least 14,000 fair-dinkum Sunni Australians were ejected from the Melbourne Park tennis centre, along with an estimated 11,000 true-blue Shi'ite blokes after the donnybrook broke out during the hard-fought fifth set between the two powerhouses of Persian Gulf tennis.

Superintendant Darryl Plonkermann, the police officer in charge of security at the event, issued only this short statement: "It's a load of bullshit, if you ask me. I couldn't give a rat's arse if a bunch of scarfies (Muslims) want to get into a bit of a stoush (punch-up), as long as I can still get a souvlaki (kebab) on the way home.

"Now piss off, will you? I'm trying to have a beer and watch the tennis."

The Iraqi-born al-Sahhaf, a public-relations expert (who was once employed by former Washington favourite Saddam Hussein), was as crisp as one of his trademark backhand volleys when describing his 6-4, 3-6, 4-6, 7-5, 17-15 win over the former Iranian president.

"You will see the infidel of Tehran hang himself at the gates of the locker room!" he shouted modestly at the post-match press conference. "Allah will roast his stomach in hell!"

Khatami struggled to hide his disappointment at his first-round exit.

"I'm not sure that 16-year-old girls should be flogged and hanged for the crime of having been raped," he said.

Al-Sahhaf will now meet men's No. 6 seed Andy Roddick in the second round after the American strolled past out-of-form Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah of Lebanon 6-0, 6-1, 6-0.

edit Sources

Here we go, here we go, here we go, The Age

You should have kept your knickers on, sweetheart, The BBC

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