|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
3 July 2012
WASHINGTON, D. C. – Astrologers claim that the eruption of powerful solar flares is not merely an
astronomical astrological event, but it is also an act of God. “The spectacular display is the deity's celestial fireworks, a sign that he, too, celebrates America's independence from the evil British empire,” astrologer Kelli Fox declared.
The miraculous event has been several days in the making; the light show is expected to reach Earth exactly on the Fourth of July, to light up the sky across America and around the world with fiery flares of red, white, and blue. “It is a sign from God that, despite even the outrages of President Obama, the U. S. Congress, and the U. S. Supreme Court, God is still on our side,” Fox explained.
NASA spokesman Tony Phillips agrees, “in principle,” with Fox's statements. “The flare registered as a class M5.6 solar storm on the scale used by astronomers to measure the sun's weather. The sun's strongest storms come in three primary colors, red white, and blue,” he said.
The United States was born under the sign of Gemini, Fox, a registered Republican, explained, which bodes both good and bad for the country. “Gemini is the sign of the Twins,” she said. “One is good, the other evil.” In terms of the United States government, the good twin is Mitt Romney; his evil counterpart is Barack Obama. Therefore, if Romney wins the November election, America will enjoy peace and harmony; if Obama wins, there will be war and chaos, as there has been for the last four years.”
More specifically, if Obama wins re-election, Fox clarified, Americans can expect “gay rights, Anderson Cooper as Obama's new press secretary, higher taxes, a greatly expanded federal government, the suppression of individual and human rights at home and abroad, numerous prolonged wars, concentration camps for dissidents, and famine and pestilence in high places.”
If Romney, on the other hand, wins the election, “We can forget about the famine and pestilence.”
The United Kingdom took issue with the whole idea that the spectacular solar displays on the Fourth of July have anything to do with God. According to Prime Minister David Cameron, “The solar storm is just so much electromagnetic static.” However, he did urge “Yanks” to “re-elect Obama. He's set back the United States a century, at least, and, if his incompetence continues, we Brits may yet regain supremacy among the Western powers.”