UnNews:Sun takes day off
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Sun takes day off
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 1, 2016, 08:18:UTC)(
19 July 2009
July 2009- We have just gotten word that the Sun, the closest star to the Earth and the very thing responsible for keeping us all alive on this planet, has decided to take a vacation day to himself. When asked about his vacation, the Sun told us: "I haven't taken a vacation in a billion years. I work day after day after day, and do I get any thanks for it. NOOO!! At least 3000 years ago they used to worship me for my trouble, but now I don't even get a measly paycheck. I deserve this! maybe I'll go to Cancun. I've heard nice things about that place."
No one knows what exactly the world is going to do in the sun's absence; many are building bomb shelters and moving to the desert, but most people are not exactly sure. "Maybe the sun will realize how much he misses us and come back before we all die." said one worried observer before having sex with an unnamed secretary.
NASA has talked about hiring a replacement for the sun on his vacation day. They have sent fliers out to all the nearby stars, including the North Star, the Super Star, the West Star, the East Star, and the Starbucks. We asked NASA when we can expect a replacement, who promptly told us that the U.S. Postal Service will deliver the fliers in a little over 1,356,289 years, give or take.
The Sun has filed for a vacation day in 129 years from now, and expects there to be mass mayhem on Earth, but really does not care. "So? It's not as if there has to be life on a planet for me to go on with life. Personally, I find all those little satellites annoying. I'll be glad to take the day to myself."