UnNews:Sun God Ra pleased with increase in human sacrifices
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Sun God Ra pleased with increase in human sacrifices
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Wednesday, August 16, 2017, 13:25:UTC)(
15 April 2008
Middle, Heliosphere World Leaders, after successfully launching an entire city into the sun, breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Earth was again spared the wrath of Sun God Ra. Understandably, Ra has been quite restless, with so little blood spilled in the desert in relatively close proximity to his multi-thousand year old temples recently.
"Yup," affirmed the head of human sacrifices, sub-level 4, the pentagon, "we've been working around the clock to keep Ra from getting upset. We all remember the last time we forgot to stain the sea red with human blood, now, don't we?" he then stared off into the distance, mumbling a prayer to Cthulhu for assistance.
Prospects are looking great for Messenger, the robotic cheerleader sent to Mercury to engrave love poetry to Ra across it's surface in the latest high-tech attempt to prevent us all from being suddenly consumed in flames or frozen to death as Ra has these little temper tantrums. Mercury, as we all know, is where penguins used to live before a giant mutant space goat rescued them from Ra's bad temper and dropped them off here.
Obedient citizens danced in the streets, happy to be alive as instructed, knowing that plans to demolish all life on earth were likely to be on hold until the next breaking news report in 15 minutes.
Blasphemy by so-called rational individuals capable of seeing though such fluff was quickly silenced by the very fashionable ninja corps using only the cutest kittens as bait.