UnNews:Suicidal Maniac Found Alive with Bullet in His Head
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Suicidal Maniac Found Alive with Bullet in His Head
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 15:46:UTC)(
27 June 2008
OMAHA, Nebraska - You could call this one a darwin award. Justin Harrison of Omaha, Nebraska, suspected to have been on anti-depressants, was found in his victorian home with a self-inflicted bullet lodged in his skull. Justin was lying unconcious on the floor of his living room. He was taken immediately to the hospital. Blood tests revealed that he had been using crackamine, a drug used for pleasure like ecstasy, and prudofil, an anti-deppresant. The gun, a 44 magnum, was found on the floor with one empty case.
"I can't believe that my son would commit suicide!" weeped Susan Harrison, mother of the 29 year old Justin."It's not like him to do that!" Mrs. Harrison sat by Justin the entire time in the hospital, giving him words of hope and the word of god. Too bad Justin was atheist.
"Yeah, I dared him to do that, but who would think he actually would? Not me dude, not me." says Brian Watson, the last known contact of Justin before his attempted "suicide". Brian says that Justin, him and a couple of friends went to Chuck E. Cheese's for a party and it turned into a drug fest. He was the only sober person, therefore driving everyone home. He dropped Justin off first. "On the way out my friends were all talking about how they would die, and Justin said suicide. I dared him and he said: 'Yup'. He meant it, man."
Justin is still in critical condition at the hospital. "He isn't in the best shape, but he'll live," says Dr. Jon Gruden."He only shot his jaw, but he did lose conciousness and a lot of blood." Justin is scheduled to be realeased from the hospital in two days -- and then sent straight to an Insane Assylum. "His mind needs work, and maybe it was just from being high, but if he shows signs of mental breakdown at the assylum, he's staying. If not, he'll be released," Gruden says.
Do you want to survive suicide? Seven easy steps to make your dream come true!. CNN.com (27 June 2008).