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6 July 2007
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The Sucka M.C.s (also going by the name the Sucker M.C.s), America's most hated and possibly least talented rap group, were found dead today with over 50 caps busted in their collective ass. Almost every rapper that's ever existed has been brought in for questioning due to longstanding personal feuds with the Columbus, OH based group.
Since their founding in the late 70's they've managed to piss off almost every other rapper that's ever heard of them with their across-the-board lyrical whackness and wholesale biting of other rappers rhymes, beats and stagenames. They only released one album, Honorary Deposed Vice-Earl of Rock that was so awful that it was distributed exclusively through the dollar bins at thrift shops but have since become one of the most common rap references in history due to the many disparaging feud lyrics directed at them from other rappers.
After witnessing one of their performances Wonder Mike of The Sugar Hill Gang wrote "when the Sucka M.C.'s try to prove a point we're treacherous trio, we're the serious joint" as a warning to keep away on the Rapper's Delight, the first commercially successful rap album ever published. It was soon followed by Run DMC's Sucker M.C.s which was primarily written to inform the group that "they just ain't right" and are "sad faced clown(s)" and thus a legend was born.
Primary suspects in the killings include Phife from De-La-Soul who claimed "Sucker MC's, I'm killing 'em, I'm so sick of seeing 'em | Silly shit when they rhyme, like that red rugby shirt worn by Gilligan" and Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest who said "I be hatin' Sucka MC's, and the sucka niggas | Posing like they hard when we know they damn card."
Missy Elliot, Jurassic 5, JUNIOR Mafia, The Wu-Tang Clan, Danja Mowf, MC Shan, Boogie Down Productions, Eric Parish, Ice-T, The Beastie Boys, Big Daddy Kane, Rakim, 2 Live Crew, Busta Rhymes, Kurtis Blow, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Wyclef Jean, M.C. Lyte, Nate Dawg, Michael Jackson and over 400 other rappers and recording artists have been detained after it was discovered they had a history of dissing, hating, lyrical illness or other motive against the Sucka M.C.'s.
Even Vanilla Ice was brought in for questioning due to a 1991 recorded statement that "I'm bringing sucker MC's, down to their knees." after forensics discovered that DJ Skeezy-Whizzle-Dizzle-Bizzle-Dizzle and L.L. Cool-J #2 were executed gangland style while in a prone position. Mr. Ice was cleared of charges after surveillance footage proved he was replacing mufflers and pumping gasoline at the time of the murders.
Authorities are currently seeking the whereabouts of West Coast rapper Too Short after it was discovered that he threatened Katt Dawg, calling him "...worse than a fag or a Frisco dike He's a sucker MC, I call him punk You try to spit that rap, you can scratch that junk | You little punk-ass boy, wouldn't listen to me Think I'm fakin but I'm takin all you sucker MC's To the end of the world and push you over..."
"This might be the break we've been looking for in this case." said Jack Bauer, head of the FBI's Rap-Related Crimes Taskforce. "He's clever, but we found his one vital slip up. He left a record of that threat, set it to a beat, remastered it in a studio and copied it to 2 million albums distributed nation wide on his breakout album Life is Too Short."
"Possibly by accident." Bauer added "We'll be able to close this case soon, but if we can't I say screw it. We taped off that joint, sent the CSI through it. We might build a solid case. Even a conviction. But who cares about these sucka's the cold case file's my prediction.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|