UnNews:Subprime latte market at an all-time low
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Subprime latte market at an all-time low
The news outlet with approval higher than Congress
Friday, August 18, 2017, 11:09:UTC)(
5 October 2007
From the East Tennessee Creationist Farmer's Almanak - More bad news for the U.S economy today. NAEECPCCEBE, the National Association of Espresso, Espresso-Containing Products, and Chocolate Covered Espresso Bean Eaters, issued a statement today that the subprime latte market has hit an all-time low.
"Jeez, cri-cr-cr-crimeny!", said an obviously jacked-up Narthwhal T. Spoonfig, spokesman for the NAEECPC... oh whatever. "People just aren't taking second and third mortgages out to pay for their daily caffeine fix like they used to!"
Lenders agree. "Shitfire, we can't sell houses anymore, American car manufacturers are crap, and now this. What are we going to lend people excessive amounts of money for next week? Where's my commission coming from?? You mean I have to get a real job now???? THE CANDY WAGON'S OVER PEOPLE!!" said Quartal Poncetang, President of the Paycheck and Car Title Loan Lords of America, as he blew his brains out.
Double-mochaccino addicts by the hundreds have found themselves without funds, begging at Starbuck's drive-thru windows in all 50 states, for anything -- bits of beans, grinds, dirty filter paper -- just to survive. "I don't care anymore!" says one 42-year-old former options trading executive, who gave up her $500K a year job, 6 bedroom Manhattan condo, and lovers Sven, Lars, and Angelina J. just so she could afford her 17-a-day java jack. "Who needs clothes? Soap? Love? Happiness? JUST GIVE ME MY GOD DAMN FRAPPACINANINO YOU FAST-FOOD MONKEY!" she exclaimed as she was wrestled to the ground by the additional security forces hired by the coffee emporium to maintain order.
Government analysts agree that this spells the end for human civilization. "This chart here has some bars on it, and this one is red, and red is bad, so it must be bad," said one faceless anonymous government lab rat of a guy. "And this one, this has a line, and it's going up, and this other one is going down, and when lines do that, it means things are changing, and change is bad."
Congress convened yesterday to discuss the developing meltdown. "Hmm... hmm.. hmm..." said Senator Fatly Pompousnose (R-MU), clearly expressing his concern for the little people, but others were not satisfied.
"I need $7, just $7, does anybody have $7, anybody, anybody...." said one of his constituents, clearly looking excessively sleepy. "I just won't be able to make it through the day. I just CAN'T." Tears rained from heaven, and the angels cried, and a country and western song played in the background. "I hocked my jewelry, sold my kids into prostitution, ate my own hair to survive. What must I do to get a freakin' macchiato around here???" she pleaded to the assembled leaders.
Alas, help seems remote. Analyst Putty Pleasesmythe from some big skyscraper downtown said, "The crystal meth drug lords and Muslims have created this whole situation by manipulating the markets. It's not our fault. It's not anybody's fault, especially here in America. American's aren't to blame for anything, ever. After all, we just want our freakin' macchiatos, any God gave us the right to rape the world to get them whenever we want."
Yes, God did give us the right, the right to live as we choose, in a free, if increasingly drowsy and failed society. Perhaps this will teach a lesson to future generations: stick to the crystal meth, it's cheaper than a tall latte any day of the week, especially down on 4th Street behind that lime green double-wide (ask for Billy Rae, in the Lynyrd Skynyrd T, he'll set you up).
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|