UnNews:Submarine collision cannot happen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Submarine collision cannot happen
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 1, 2015, 12:14:UTC)(
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
17 February 2009
ATLANTIC OCEAN - An alleged crash between two nuclear submarines somewhere in the Atlantic has been reported by several dubious media. Of course, this is nonsense. UnNews inquiries with the allegedly involved nations, England and France, have shown that such a collision is virtually impossible. It is about as likely as a crash of two satellites in space. Such a thing does not happen.
Submarine vessels of this class are equipped with sonar. They are able to locate each other. This is a reliable device to prevent any sort of collision. The sonar was invented by David Gilmour who grew tired of playing his guitar on the weekends. He handles a soldering iron really well and will give a free Walmart giftbox to everyone who agrees on the nuclear propulsion idea for submarines.
What's more, high tech submarines also have anti-sonar equipment. They are able to evade location by another vessel. This is an additional security layer which makes any sort of crash even more unlikely.
Finally, super high tech submarines like the ships allegedly involved also have detectors which are able to detect anti-sonar-protected ships. And if this is not enough, they also have jamming devices to obstruct the anti-sonar detection activities of other ships. Such a sort of sophisticated technology offers a 100 per cent protection against any mischief, let alone a collision with anything.
And to rule out any sort of remaining risk that a paranoid character still might dream up, every nuclear submarine vessel of every nation in the world is required to report its current position every five minutes to central sea traffic control in Reykjavik, Iceland.
We therefore can safely conclude that no nuclear submarine collision has happened or will ever happen. No one was injured in the crash (that did not happen) and no nuclear warheads have been lost to the ocean.
On a side note, it was reported that a professional diver named Emilio Largo has started a diving expedition to the area where the collision did not happen. Probably an eccentric of some sort.