UnNews:Sub-par apocalypse disappoints many
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Sub-par apocalypse disappoints many
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 23:33:UTC)(
May 30, 2009
PLANET EARTH - On Friday, May 29, the world came to an abrupt ending. This event has many names, but is most commonly called "the apocalypse". Many, expecting to die and move on to another life, were in fact quite disappointed with the results of the event.
"That was one of the biggest disappointments of my life. The biggest would probably be when Bernie Mac died, and right after that would be the time my ex said 'no' when I had one of those baseball game scoreboard proposal-things. But other than those two, this event has got to be the worst," said Frank Johnson, the man who works at the hot dog stand by my apartment. "In fact, I didn't even know it was happening until my parakeet started jumping around saying 'apocalypse, apocalypse' several times. What kind of 'Armageddon' is this? Definitely not the one from the movie. Everybody was smiling and happy at the end."
This event has drawn a considerable amount of media attention, and has raised questions such as "Why aren't we dead?", "Who is responsible for this?" and "What is an apocalypse, anyway?". In the midst of the confusion, someone finally linked the chain of events to God, the creator and controller of the universe.
"There was an apocalypse? I must have accidentally grazed the 'destroy earth button' in my room. I'm quite prone to sleep walking," said God. "Wait, now I remember. No one really told me if that button worked or not, but in the God Handbook it said never to press it unless you are really mad at the humans. Somebody did break a window in a church, so I considered that a good enough excuse to give the button a little push. Nothing seemed to happen, so I went back to my work and went on with life. I guess something really did happen, though. My mistake!" God then broke into a loud, long guffaw.
Having heard this major mental error by God and his delight from it, many Christians started to lose faith in him. "If our supposed 'creator' is an idiot, I think I better go worship Satan instead. I mean, he's way cooler, anyway. He's a total badass. God is that nice guy everyone sort of feels awkward around," said Carl Price, the man who occupies the apartment below mine. "Plus, living in clouds isn't the best of ideas, considering you would probably just fall right through them down to your imminent doom. Hell at least has fire, so it won't be freezing cold like way up in the sky where heaven is."
Even the government has reacted to the apocalypse. Barack Obama has scheduled a press conference concerning the 'apocalypse', but it will mostly be about budget cuts and bills that need to be passed. During it's brief mention at the conference, Obama said "I'm a Muslim, so all of this apocalypse stuff doesn't mean shit to me. So what was next? Boring political stuff? Right."
As of present, several hundred Christian churches have been replaced with Satan Worshiping Temples.