UnNews:Suarez starts food fight at World Cup
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
25 June 2014
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil -- International football star Luis Suarez blames his 'active imagination' for trying to eat an opposing player in the 2014 World Cup Finals' game. The controversial Uruguayan soccer ace claims he simply mistook adversary Giorgio Chiellini for a large bowl of pasta as they jostled for position in the Italian penalty area.
"It was an honest mistake," said a buck-toothed Suarez. "One moment I saw a blue shirt in front of - then the next I was sure I was about to eat a bowl of Bolognese meat balls in lovely pasta. So I went for it al dente. Only when I heard Chiellini say something about my mother did I know I was mistaken."
Suarez's lunge at Chiellini isn't the first time the footballer has confused playing football and eating food. This is the second time he has tried to take literal chunks out of opposition players. In 2013 in a game for Liverpool Football club, Suarez was seen running after Chelsea's Branislav Ivanović with a salt shaker as he was convinced his opponent had morphed into a plate of fish and chips. In 2010 Suarez had tried to place PSV Eindhoven's Otman Bakkal on a slice of bread in the belief that player was now a round slab of Edam cheese.
"I know this sounds strange but I grew up in a family of seven where we often dreamed of good food like our national dish Asado. I found that when I played football, my game became more competitive if I imagined the opposition were edible."
FIFA say they are likely to ban Suarez, but this may take a few months to arrange, as they are currently busy with allegations of misuse of the World Cup trademark and double-booking of the tournament mascot. Dining on an opponent is regarded by FIFA as 'serious' but manageable.
- Staff "Luis Suarez: Uruguay striker's 'bite' was 'highly predictable'". BBC, June 25, 2014