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Stupidity, new source of energy

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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21 September 2006


George W. Bush runs electric fan with the power of his own stupidity.

LOS ANGELES, California -- Researchers from the Henderson Lab at the University of California announced today that they have successfuly converted stupidity into an efficent, highly functional form of energy.

After nearly 20 years of research, and thousands of test subjects, head scientist Professor Ahmad Puupengai stated "The conversion of stupidity into a viable source of energy will allow us to significantly decrease our dependence on foreign oil."

The process is based on a little-known property of stupidity wherein concentrated amounts accumulate in the form of methane, which can then be harvested and burned to fuel engines and generators.

As for supply, Puupengai noted that the pool of untapped stupidity in the United States was actually increasing, thanks to the Internet, rap music awards, and video game rentals.

Stupidity power is not without its drawbacks, however. Prolonged exposure to idiots, morons, retards and other stupid people can cause normally intelligent people to become stupid. And large accumulations of stupid people, at football games, for example, often result in millions of dollars in wasted revenues and sometimes violence.

Indeed, shortly after today's press conference, Professor Puupengai seemed to be having trouble explaining his lab's methane-to-power production method. He became more incoherent, saying, "There is no free energy. Energy is life. Life is poop. Only you can obey the crab?"

Puupengai was only momentarily befuddled, and regained his normal level of intelligence after being read passages from "Bonfire of the Vanities."

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