Stupid kid drowns in pond
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 18, 2019, 15:33:UTC)(
10 December 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
WILMAR, MN- In what has been called an 'idiotic' and 'senseless' move, 6-year-old Wilmar resident retard Hayden Morrison has drowned in a pond. Morrison's mother, Sandy Tucker, in an emotional press conference this morning, described exactly what happened leading up to Morrison's ridiculously stupid death.
"We went for a walk in the park, like we do every Saturday," described Tucker. "We were feeding the ducks at the pond, when my friend from work, Corinne, walks by, so she stops to talk. Suddenly, we heard a splash, and there was Hayden, floating face down in the middle of the pond."
Tucker and her friend rushed to save Morrison, but by the time they had fished him out with big sticks, he had died.
"How retarded is this kid?" inquired Wilmar Sheriff Lou Asche at this morning's press conference. "I mean, how did the kid go from being alive and well to floating face-down in a duck pond?- The pond was only four inches deep! How the hell did he drown in four inches of water?"
A report released today shows that this kind of death is not uncommon. An accident in Redmond, WA, last month, resulted in some stupid kid drowning in a puddle two inches deep. Another incident in Beaumont, TX, saw a 10-year-old boy drown while showering.
"He picked a hell of a time to die, I mean, it would have been fine if he had maybe on Easter, but death before Christmas is a no-no," said the father of Morrison, Tony Morrison. "It's almost Christmas. I had got his presents already. Now I have to go back and return them. Some I bought months ago, so I'm over the 30-day return limit. Do I look like I want store credit?"