UnNews:Study shows your team leader is evil

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Study shows your team leader is evil

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26 May 2015

Big eye

Evil team leaders are key to maintaining a relaxed incompetent senior management.

LONDON -- A recent study of management personalities in the office has concluded that the team leader is evil. From their irritating habits, to passive-aggressive traits, to insisting you display your employee-of-the-month-certificate that they knocked up in ten minutes on the computer.

Publishing the results on Linkedin, the two-year psychological study determined that success as a “career team leader” requires a streak of evil thought to be only the reserve of middle-aged, lycra-wearing male cyclists, or those female shoppers happy to tear out a pensioner’s eye to get to that last box of M & S Christmas crackers.

Lead researcher Dr Travis Bradberry said that team leaders' passive-aggressive behavior is a modus operandi in private life as well as at work. It stems from a birth defect that denies any sense of compassion, team spirit or generosity and an overinflated sense of self-importance; as well hiding overt hostility behind jokes...

Another verbal tool of the highly regarded and respected team leader is sarcasm. One of the subjects of the study, Isabelle Johnson, is a team leader from the stationary department of Nutcase, a regional peanut dispenser maintenance firm. She said: “Oh, here we go again (tut); another load of questions about how I manage this useless lot, no doubt.

“Can’t you see I am busy working on the mug-washing rota?” Johnson continued, “I’d ask Joel over there, if he has time after talking to all his Facebook friends, as he’s got an Excel qualification; but the rota is my responsibility and asking for help would be regarded as weakness. I mean, what’s next? Let them top up the biscuits themselves? I might as well hand them my kids.”

Johnson is convinced that, to be a good, evil team leader one must not get involved socially, especially team-building events that might divulge any incompetence. Another management technique is to never offer a worker hope or feel that they are fully part of the team.

“Aspiration is dangerous” she said, “hopes of promotion are just daydreaming and reduce drive and determination. Being a team leader is not just shouting about being a team leader in the local Pizza Express you know, it requires a high level of secrecy, cold-shouldering and back-stabbing. It took me months just to learn how to strut slowly around the office, whistling tunelessly and jangling keys behind my back; while listening to their conversations and reading their emails.

“It’s the same challenge going up the tree. I keep reminding my awful line manager of an idea I had off Linkedin, that most companies will employ one useless, incompetent, talentless halfwit, to divert attention away from any management failings. He keeps telling me this is well in hand, but I’ve never seen anyone being interviewed.”

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