UnNews:Study says force "strong with this one"

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4 February 2009

Albuquerque, NM -- A study released today by the University of New Mexico confirms amateur observations of a mysterious "force" in a local boy. Eleven-year-old Lucas Cielo has recently been observed by Albuquerque residents apparently opening mailboxes with his mind, shorting out worthless consumer electronics, and running the length of a football field in less than 12 parsecs.

Lucas Cielo prepares to use the "force" on an adolescent emo-kid.

"Seen this force before, I have," said Dr. Francis Ozmund, a Romanian national and leader of the study, "but strong in this one, the force is." The team of scientists tested Cielo for twelve weeks with a series of experiments to determine the extent of this force. These included small movable objects, extra-sensory vision, and dog whispering. "Cesar Millan, he is not," concluded Dr. Ozmund, "but a remarkable boy he is, nonetheless."

Bizarrely, Cielo's skills are somewhat random in their effect: he can, for example, move any piece of cutlery, but not sporks; he can correctly predict lottery numbers for any draw worldwide, but only for the months of March and September in 1988. "Not yet complete, his skills are," explained Dr. Ozmund. Robert Fetta, Ozmund's racist but ultimately more coherent assistant, explained offhandedly that Cielo "must complete his training... Once that thing's fully operational, he'll be more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

The child prodigy himself seems unconcerned by the attention he has received. Interviewed at his home, Lucas Cielo was at ease and relaxed, his non sequitur-laiden speech revealing a healthily active imagination. "I used to bullseye womprats," Cielo yelled as he ran around the garden repeatedly running into fences, shrubberies and other fixed objects. "Don't get cocky," his mother Marisa yelled from the kitchen window. "My father is truly dead," Cielo replied, apparently at random. A happy boy indeed.

This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

19 February 2009

Albuquerque, NM -- A development has been made in this story as High School Musical 3 has been released on DVD. This documentary on Albuquerque's East High School's homosexual, force-using youth. This is the leading public high school in Albuquerque for youths that are "Gifted in The Force", and Cielo plans to go here. The student body uses their force in new ways, such as dancing in unison and attracting girls between the ages of seven and eleven to purchase the documentary.

"This is one of my favorite movies," Cielo, eleven, says. "I think it's special that there is now a movie that shows that kids here can be successful even though we are different. I can't wait for high school."


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