UnNews:Study says Christianity increases bust size

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19 December 2013

Lopsided hooters

Unitarian women were excluded from the study, as their beliefs were hard to characterize and their vital statistics were statistically impossible.

TULSA, Oklahoma -- A new scientific study shows that Protestant women are more likely than non-Christian women to have a larger bust and smaller waist.

Professors McCullough and Willoughby took a sample of one hundred women, fifty of whom were Christian Protestants, and fifty of whom were non-Christians. Over the course of one year, Prof. McCullough measured the waist of each subject, while Prof. Willoughby sized up the bust. (This made the study "double-blind," even though Prof. Willoughby's co-ed students describe him as a "tit man.") On average over the course of the year, the bust was larger, and the waist was smaller, on the women who affiliated as Christian Protestants. Those who did not identify as Christian had a smaller average bust but larger waist.

"This just goes to show that Christian women really are sexier", stated Prof. McCullough, who works here at a small sociology research center of the University of Miami.

The researchers note that they did not include Muslims in the study, as neither bust size nor waist size could easily be measured given the use of the burqa, and in any case the researchers would have then had a professional duty to perform a mercy killing of themselves. Similarly, Mormons and Baptists were excluded, as being barefoot-and-pregnant most of the time would have skewed the study.

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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Why atheists are fatter.

A follow-up study involving one hundred women, all of whom were non-Christian at the outset, showed similar results. Half of the women agreed to convert to Christianity in the name of science, and each woman was measured during the course of one year. Once again, those who had converted to Christianity had on average a larger bust but a smaller waist, while those who did not had on average a smaller bust but a larger waist. "All things are possible through faith," exclaimed Reverend Roy "Tex" Jones, pastor of the Chrome Searchlight megachurch just outside Waco, Texas, when informed of the study results. Rev. Jones said he often takes a yardstick to members of the megachurch's all-female choir.

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