UnNews:Study reveals 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD; America congratulates teen boys on sexual exploits
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Study reveals 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD; America congratulates teen boys on sexual exploits
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 11:02:UTC)(
13 March 2008
CHICAGO, Illinois – A startling study by a group of scientists has revealed that out of every four teenage American girls, at least one of them has an STD. This survey has led to a wave of pride in the teen boys of America for their clearly extensive sexual frolicking.
"We were very curious to study the outbreak of STDs," says the man who lead the survey, "So we conducted a survey. Our means of data collecting was very simple; we simply rang doorbells and asked teenage girls to show us their vaginas so we could check for STDs. At first, many parents were reluctant, but then we offered them large sums of money, and that won them over very quickly. A few of them actually gave us their children."
The scientists were shocked when they discovered that of the girls in America, one in four, or about 25%, is carrying some sort of sexually transmitted disease. The scientists went to a large meeting of American people studying STD's, and unveiled the results of their study. The response from the crowd was immediate.
There was a moment of silence as the news soaked into the crowd, then they burst into applause. A father was asked about how he felt about the news, and he said, "Oh, it's fantastic! One in every four girls has an STD...do you realize how many teen boys they must have had sex with? My son is in a class with 24 girls and 12 boys...that means that in order for the diseases to spread so prevalently, he must have had sex with at least...a lot of them!"
Indeed, this pride in the teen boys of America quickly spread through the country, and many leaders have congratulated the hot-blooded young American men for being such obvious sex monsters. "This is fantastic news for America!" said one father as he paused from tossing a football with his son so he could proudly thump him on the back, "Our boys are getting loads and loads of sex. Do you realize how many girls the average man would have to have sex with in order to spread genital warts to this magnitude? I'm...not really sure myself...solving that math problem would require independent thought...but I'm sure it's a big number! My son is a sex MACHINE!"
However, other groups are less optimistic. Some parents are deeply disappointed that the number of girls with STDs is merely 1 out of 4. "My son is always talking about the number of girls he's shagged, but he was clearly exaggerating," says the spokesman for one such group, "He's gonna have to step it up. We will have to boost the amount of sexual imagery aimed at teens in the media, as well as discourage the use of birth control as much as we possibly can, and perhaps make date rape drugs more accessible to our young lads, if we're to achieve a more impressive rate, like 50%."
Therefore, parents in the United States have been urged to continue misinforming children about sexual behavior, and most important of all, to continue to actively fight against any vaccine that could protect young girls from getting permanent viral infections at 13. "If we provided them with vaccines, it might encourage them to have SEX!" said one indignant woman as her daughter flashed a passing group of teenage boys. "Whoa, she's hot!" said one of the boys, "And from this far back, if the sun hits her just right, you can barely see the herpes!"