|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
4 September 2007
WASHINGTON, DC -- A non-partisan psychological study by the Government Accountability Office concluded in a report issued today that mentally challenged US President George W. Bush has failed to fully meet all but three of 18 developmental benchmarks set by Congress, partially meeting only four. The study was mandated by law following the beginning of Bush's second term, and was meant to determine whether the President should be allowed to serve out his remaining time in office.
The three goals which Mr. Bush fully accomplished are: "the ability to properly use the toilet", "the ability to walk on two legs, not crawl", and "the ability to use utensils and eat properly." Administration officials seized onto these benchmarks to heap praise on the beleaguered President. Spokesperson Tony Snow emphasized that "George has been fully weaned off of diapers, and can now signal his handlers when he needs to go pee-pee or poo-poo with nearly 100% accuracy." Mr. Snow also pointed out that the President hasn't choked on a pretzel in years and is now capable of using both a spoon and a fork, although aides acknowledged his use of knives still requires "much supervision."
Even before details of the study became public, the White House began mounting fierce criticism of the report, and is asserting that Mr. Bush - despite some undeniable developmental problems - is making "remarkable progress" and should be given a chance to continue his mental growth. Officials claim his IQ is "at or around Forrest Gump levels", and like to recount all the accomplishments of the fictional Gump as proof that Mr. Bush can achieve a lot if he puts his heart into it.
Only days before the report was released, the White House managed to convince its authors to change two benchmark results from "not accomplished" to "partially accomplished." These included "the ability to speak proper English," which although everyone acknowledges Mr. Bush is far from perfecting, has vastly improved over the years. "He can now pronounce both 'nuclear' and 'terrorist' correctly most of the time," proudly revealed Secretary of State Rice. The other partially accomplished benchmark was "saying 'please', 'thank you', and 'you're welcome' on the appropriate occasions."
Democrats immediately steered discussions into the negative parts of the GAO report. They cited benchmarks which the President has made no progress on, such as "participating in naptime and observing healthy bedtime hours," and "not throwing temper tantrums." Senate majority leader Harry Reid was also quick to highlight that in some developmental areas, the President has actually gotten worse. A prime example is "the ability to make friends and have a diverse social life." Mr. Bush is still known to associate only with "rich white guys", and even those that ostensibly like him no longer want to be friends with George. Pals like Alberto Gonzales, Karl Rove, and Tony Snow have already deserted him or plan to soon. "Things do not bode well for Mr. Bush," ominously remarked presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, adding, "and the fact he just requested 'eleventy billion dollars' more for the war in Iraq is a sure signal that reaching the 'basic math skills' benchmark was an utter failure."
The President is currently working in his magic mansion (a cardboard Sony PS3 box) on ways to redeem himself and make everybody think he's a big boy. Not much was said about what Mr. Bush is planning, but some information was bribed out of the man himself with a Snickers bar and a bag of Legoes. Here are some things that were uncovered:
- Expect a series of beginner-thru-expert level handbooks on how to master everything from a ball to a pair of underwear around "October 37th, 2015".
- The president plans to make a presentation later this year in front of congress on how he can tie his shoes.
- George Bush Sr. has agreed to buy W.'s way through college again.
- Barak Obama and Lil' Bow-Bow have teamed up to make an album glorifying the President, which will be geared toward the Indecisive-Voter/Pre-School/Mentally Challenged audience.
- George has been training for weeks to beat Chuck Norris in a contest of brain and brawn. His training routine includes waking up at noon to eat a breakfast of Pop-Tarts and green Kool-Aid, playing on his swingset while his dog rips apart his dad's documents, practicing going pee-pee without getting it on the rim, and running through the residential shooting range with a bucket over his head and his entire body enclosed in bubble wrap (for increased evasiveness of Osama's dingleberries when he comes out of Barabara's closet at night to harass George while he is asleep).
- A show-and-tell of all of his homework assignments after enrolling in a Billy Madison-esque school progression. When asked what kinds of grades we can expect to see, he said, "Well, lemme tell ya there, Uncyclopedian-o - I don't wanna give away too much, so I'll just say my first assignment got better enough to make Osama shoot himself. He told me so last night!"
These are but a few of the things Bush has planned for this year.