UnNews:Study Reveals that I've Abandoned My Boy
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Study Reveals that I've Abandoned My Boy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 00:07:UTC)(
20 October 2008
Some Shitty Oil Field, 1920s-- In a study sure to stun detractors of the theory, UnNews has revealed conclusively that I've abandoned my boy.Yes, the study reveals the I'm a greedy bastard. See, it turns out I'm an oil man who travels the blossoming parts of the country looking for new supplies of liquid gold. Unfortunately, as the study points out, I chose to take my son with me--never a good thing when one is mentally unstable, as the study indicates I am.
Perhaps the most interesting part of the study, done over the last five months by a highly trained team of UnNews analysts, is that I could have avoided all of this if I hadn't purchased the field from that creepy redneck kid and his old man. Indeed, if I had simply not done that, my son wouldn't have gone deaf and I wouldn't have lost interest in raising him. You can't blame me though, right? Seriously, I had better things to do than take care of some deaf-mute kid. I have better things to do NOW. Hell, why do you think I'm writing this article?
Anyway, I tried, the study says. For a while. Then the kid goes off and I realize, the study reveals, that he's a BASTARD FROM A BASKET. This disturbs me rather than him, somehow, so I go to church and there, the study points out, is where I realize the core point of the study.
I've abandoned my boy.
I've ABANDONED my BOY.
I'VE ABANDONED MY BOY!
The study concludes by noting that my straw, in fact, goes aaaaallll the way up my nose.