UnNews:Study: iPods eat your heart out and control your brain, no surprises
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Study: iPods eat your heart out and control your brain, no surprises
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 00:48 (UTC)
14 May 2007
DENVER, Colorado -- In a recent study presented at the annual meeting of the Heart Rhythm Society, one 17 year-old Michigan boy demonstrated that electrical interference from iPods can cause people with pacemakers to suffer malfunctions in their heart and brain when waved about in a special way. Consequently, all 100 of his elderly test subjects died or were put down by the end of the study.
It was discovered that the iPods affected the
victi subjects in three different ways: through oversensing, telemetry and inhibititive interference. The boy only got that far before the room got bored and patted the kid on the head for trying to be smart, intending to move onto their main agenda of world domination. The society's members regained interest again when the young man mentioned the mind-controlling abilities of the iPod.
"The first two effects were pretty mild," the boy, named Jay Thaker, said enthusiastically. "The test subjects were able to sustain twenty mintues of increased fribillation of the heart and act like a chook at the same time... Yada yada yada... During the observed telemetry type interference, set off by having the subjects rub the iPod over their wrinkled bodies in a suggestive manner, commands given by the experimenter were obeyed 90% of the time, but only when said in a convincing Big Brother voice... Yada yada... By far the most extreme effect was given during inhibitive interference when the heart began beating to the rhythm of Jingle Bells... yada yada... and subjects began acting like zombies, but with a strong expressed affinity to Apple products. Yada yada yada. After prolonged deprivation from such products, increased fribillation and high blood pressure ensued with strong suggestibility to any given command - I remember once what subject #43 and I got up to... yada, forget I mentioned that... A further forty minutes of sustained adaptive stress response and submission to mind-control later, and most subjects would have fallen into a stroke-induced coma, damaged their liver due to tomato ketchup-poisoning (our bad) or had their head a splode. This only occurred in 1.5% of cases. Yada."
The transcriber, at the time till now, is still uncertain as to whether the word "yada" was actually what was said or was a blur of very hard-to-distinguish words.
Further details of the research were withheld by the society members from the public meeting, but that has not stopped criticism being made by many of the scientific community over the methodology of the study. "Clearly, this is a kid gone off his mind," one commented. "Nowhere in his study has he made any attempt to find out of similar effects in younger people with pacemakers. If he intends to find a way for world domination through mind-control, he should consider the population not just aged over seventy who listens to iPods whilst rubbing it about themselves in weird ways. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be surprised if he just has a thing for getting it off with the elderly."
And despite all the controversies that this new study has brought up, it seems that the general public simply doesn't care. In fact, if anyone had half a brain, even with an iPod on, they'd have known that iPods were evil from the beginning. But in the words of a random guy on the street, "Must listen to iPod, duuuude..."