UnNews:Study:Outdoor baths cure for impotence in senior citizens
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2 July 2007
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LOS ANGELES, California- The results of a study released today by the University of California at Los Angeles (UCLA) revealed what many consumers had suspected for a long time. As the commercials for the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis subtlely suggest, bathing in outdoor bathtubs is the real cure for impotence in people over the age of fifty.
The study, which was conducted over six years, found that the drugs themselves (such as Viagra and Cialis) actually have no medicinal effect whatsoever. Furthermore, the UCLA study found a secret agreement between pharmacutical companies and bathtub manufacturers. The drug companies would advertise their placebos in commercials featuring the outdoor tubs, and the tub companies would be compensated by the drug companies for concealing the true effect of their products.
This compensation came in the form of subliminal messages in the Cialis commercials. These messages led millions to purchase bathtubs for their backyards, thus making the bathtub makers as rich as the drug companies.
"We're somewhat astounded," said David Johnson, Professor of Pharmacutical Science at UCLA and the head of the research team. "We had noticed the large amount of outdoor tubs used in these commercials and become suspicious. We thought, however, that the baths would simply work as a primer for sexual activity with the drugs, like an aphrodisiac. Little did we realize that tubs themselves were the real power behind everything, with the drug acting as simply a cover."
This information infurated many people, but in unexpected ways.
"How dare they do this to me!" said Larry Gaynes, 65, who had used Viagra for five years. "All this time, they warned me about how dangerous the drug is, only for it to be completely useless? I read about the dangers from the drug, mainly heart problems, and I was happy to be doing something exciting!!! I'm not about to put a bathtub outside for everybody to see!"
When informed this meant he wasn't impotent, Mr. Gaynes stated, "It doesn't matter! How dare they give me something that isn't dangerous! What good is my sex life if I don't think I'm going to die from it?"
The drug and bathtub companies were unavailable for comment.
- Oscar Wilde "The Impotence of Being Earnest...or Larry, Depending on My Mood". Subtle Letter Publications, August 18, 1890