UnNews:Study: Dial-up better than Broadband, DSL
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Study: Dial-up better than Broadband, DSL
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 18, 2017, 16:38:UTC)(
24 November 2007
But, there is also a downside, the study concluded. “We found acts of violence were more common in homes that had dial-up service, ranging from destruction of property to domestic violence,” warned Dr. Phulovitt . “But, we also found homes with dial-up were inclined to purchase more new computers.” This was due to the fact that many dial-up users have a tendency to throw their computer across the room. “Better the computer than the wife or dog,” said Dr. Phulovitt.
Homer T. Peabody, a dial-up user in Mason City, agreed with the study. “When I have to download a 10 to 15 MG file, I have time to wash the car or mow the lawn. Once I even painted the kitchen and when I was done, there was only about five minutes left. Unfortunately, my son picked up the phone, so I had to start all over again. I decided I didn’t need the file anyway and watched some re-runs on Sci-Fi with the kids.”
Amanda Dominate, a former broadband user in Davenport, said her life is more “in control” since she switched to dial-up. “I used to spend hours downloading music files and computer upgrade tools,” she said. “My kids would always ask me when we were going to eat. I’d always tell them “one more minute, mommy’s busy,” but that would turn into hours. Now, I have time to play with the kids, and remember to feed the dog everyday. I haven‘t seen Animal Control since I switched to dial-up.”
But, on the downside, Wanda X. from Des Moines, who wished to remain anonymous, says dial-up ruined her marriage. “My husband would sit there and stare at the little bar as the download crept in. If it would fail, he would start to throw things and even tossed me around a few times. I begged him to get DSL, but he refused to pay the money - he thought the NSA would keep track of him. Now, he’s in prison, and I hope someone is downloading him on their laptop,” she said with a grin.
Dr. Phulovitt added, “Those computers you see on the street waiting for the trashman are more than likely dial-up users. We know of one family that purchased three within as many months, so actually, dial-up is good for the economy.”
Broadband and DSL providers were quick to dismiss the study. “If a person doesn’t have a life and must spend hours on the internet, then we are glad to provide that service that makes them feel as if they belong in the world. If you can’t get out of the house because of the internet, you need to take a look at yourself by going to .”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|