UnNews:Study: Breathing causes cancer
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Study: Breathing causes cancer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 25, 2016, 14:01:UTC)(
19 March 2007
ATLANTA, Georgia --- Research today coming out of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has added another item to the long list of cancer causing things or “carcinogens.” The CDC concluded that stopping breathing all together can reduce the chance of dying of cancer to almost 0.0001%.
This comes as a shock to much of the population. When questioned, Jennifer Johnson replied, “When I am watching the news and there is all this talk about all those people dying from cancer, the percent of the population that dies from it must be like 98 percent.” This claim is backed up by TheOfficelover532’s blog which recently claimed that the mortality rating from cancer among the population could be even higher, closer to 99.9323%.
When asked about the recent research, Canadian resident Valadez Ling replied, “I sees this new-fangled scientific research in this here daily post and I asks meself, George, whys you still breathing if this heres killing ye? So I’s go home and turns on my favorite re-runs of that Spongebob who wears Square Pants, and ya knows what I’s do? I flat up stop that breathing that was killing me and here’s I is, Heaven. ” We would have continued to question Valadez, but he was quickly whisked away by the local mental institution.
There has been some controversy about the new research because some close-minded, right winged, Republican voting people seem to think that stopping breathing would not prevent cancer but instead causes a side-effect coined by some as “death”. However, this “death” is relatively not very well understood and most scientists are at odds at what happens to the human mind after such an event. However, Republicans are full of crap as a recent study coming out of Cuba states : “All Bush supporters and Republicans are genetically defective in the fifth and eighth pair of chromosomes and need to be shot to ensure the survival of the human race . If such blemishes on the human race are not killed, the genetic defect will run wild and the world will end in the next five to eight and a half months. Viva La Castro!”
Here is the updated list of the leading cancer causes according to the Russian Real Health Council: Breathing, Red meat, Beer, Certain STD’s, Sun exposure, Tobacco, Republicans, Inheritance of certain genes, Old age, Asbestos, John McCain, Radon gas, Nuclear fallout, Gun Rights, Holding a rod of Uranium while jumping up and down inside a nuclear reactor singing “Mary had a little lamb” and eating the brains of mutant ninja turtles, Right winged Nazis, Reading, Thinking, Rudy Giuliani, Hillbillies, Christianity, Conservatives, Oprah, Hitler, the Pope, Capitalists, Jesus, Rock (the devils music, not the wrestler/actor/heart-throb), and finally, Colin Mochrie and all Canadians in general.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|