UnNews:Studies show people who read are better at reading
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
19 September 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
MARTHA STEWART CITY, Connecticut - Recent studies conducted at the North Atlantic Book Research facility have revealed an unexpected, and, in some cases, quite unwelcome fact. It appears that those people who read are often actually better at reading than those people who don't read/can't read. This study was conducted by Ex-Russian nuclear submarine scientist Dr. Von Ivanstriven. Says Ivanstriven, "Ve were just as startle as you when ve discover that person who read read gooder than persons who do not reads often!" The study showed that people who read at least 1 hour a day are often much better at reading than people who do not read at all.
The research, which was done by Dr. Ivanstriven and his expert team of technicians, also shined unexpected light on some sort of connection between reading and an enhanced vocabulary. According to the study's results, people who read often may also be increasing their vocabularies and grammatical skill, assisting them in the arts, as well as adding to their ability to conduct interesting conversation. People who don't read are really missing out!
The North Atlantic Book Research facility has also begun to look into the effects of reading for much longer periods at a time, such as say 11 hours a day. "From what we have seen so far, people who read more than 11 hours a day would be able to read minds and perform telekinesis by the time they are 11! Freaks! Who reads 11 hours a day anyway?", says book researcher Dr. Oblong, while floating "The Lord of the Rings" back to the shelf, after reading it for the third time that day.
Large numbers of people found these results to be quite shocking: "I almostd never read. The only time I reads was if there is some freed giveaway on the behind of the cereal crate," says Lenny Decen. From this sentence, it is quite apparent that Lenny either does not or cannot read. Maybe he only pretends to read. On the other hand, Mary-Beth Edgar of Minnesota had a different opinion. "It is quite within reason for the majority of humans that read to be considered more intellectually apt and better in general than the "riff-raff" off the streets that use books as kindling, or to pleasure themselves," she said, while thumbing through a 2,000 page book.
Studies similar to this are currently underway to determine a link between eating and gaining weight, possible connections between lack of water and dehydration, and even looking into the possibility of gunshots causing serious injury or death. However, such significant scientific breakthroughs should not be expected for at least 3 years and might require over 10 million dollars in federal funding.
But what can the average American who neglects his reading skills do about his lack of reading ability? The only way to gain the benefits of reading and become a better reader is by reading. Or possibly buying a self-hypnosis CD that magically makes you better at reading. However, if you aren't going to read in the first place, why buy the stupid CD? You even have to read an order form to purchase the CD. Oh yeah, if you're this far in this article, you just got slightly better at reading. Congratulations! Or maybe you weren't here to read, and just wanted to look at pretty pictures?