UnNews:Student government ends Iraq War
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Student government ends Iraq War
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 21:05:UTC)(
5 July 2006
ANN ARBOR, MI (AP) - The long-running conflict in Iraq, which has resulted in scores of deaths among both Iraqis and Coalition forces and has dragged on with seemingly no end, has finally reached an end. Bush announced today at a press conference that "thanks to the efforts of the Michigan Student Assembly, the University of Michigan's student government, the Iraq war has officially ended". Peer, the current President of MSA, commented during the press conference that this is "not something that happened overnight, but the culmination of three weeks of Peace & Justice Commission meetings".
MSA's efforts to end the Iraq war started back in 2003, before the war was in full swing. Back then, a resolution was passed by the Assembly opposing said Iraq war and directing Bush to bring the conflict to an end. However, this resolution was stalled by the UK House of Lords, which, unbeknownst to MSA had the power to stall all of their legislation through the obscure Paragraph 420 in their constitution. The legislation was stalled in the House of Lords until three weeks ago, when members of MSA finally had the sense to fight the Lords with the only weapon known to work - the Parliament Act (which MSA was granted the right to invoke through the same Paragraph 420). By invocking this Act, MSA was able to whack enough Lords of Parliament to get the Iraq resolution passed.
After the resolution finally came into effect, MSA quickly began their plans to end the Iraq War. The Peace & Justice Commission held meetings every 30 minutes for three entire weeks, and spent the time bugging the heck out of Bush and trying to convince him why the war should end and how to do it. Bush finally relented from his original stance that the U.S. should continue the war, and decided to allow MSA to end it for him. They did so in amazing fashion, managing to get all the insurgents to lay down their weapons and give up by passing a few more resolutions and negotiating with Osama bin Laden. They did, however, have to give him season tickets to Michigan football games and unlimited free meal credits in the Bursley Hall cafeteria in order to get insurgents to surrender. After the surrender, the troops were sent home and arrived safely, thanks entirely to MSA's Airbus airport transportation program.
Historians say that this is the first time a student government has actually ended a war (some say the Berkeley student government ended the Vietnam War, but that is disputed and the ending was far from ideal). Some are a bit baffled, and even astounded, that a student government - and not any of the sides nor the UN - did what no one else could do by bringing the Iraq war to a nice, peaceful conclusion. However, this has helped bring student governments - and especially MSA in particular - to greater prominence on the world stage. In fact, several Third World nations, most notably Nigeria, have already contacted MSA to help them solve problems transferring funds to offshore bank accounts (which MSA is allowed to do by Paragraph 419 of its Constitution). One thing is clear, though - resolutions by student governments can have a monumentous impact on world peace.
- Paula Zahn "University of Michigan student government ends hostilities in Iraq". CNN, July 5, 2006