UnNews:Student claims sex ed "too educational"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
1 July 2012
SHAG, NV – A distraught coed student is suing Western Nevada State College and the instructor of her “invasive” Human Sexuality 101 course for sexual harassment. “The pervert told us we had to masturbate for him, record our thoughts and feelings about the experience in sex journals to share with classmates, and offer our bodies for group gropes during lab hours,” Karen Royce claims in her lawsuit. “I'm a victim of sexual abuse,” she added, “and this pervert's assignment made me feel abused all over again.”
The instructor, Tom (“Sick Dick”) Kubistant, is named in Royce's lawsuit, as are department chairman Robert (“Long Dong”) Morin and college president Carol “Loosey Goosey”) Lucey, who, according to Royce, wanted her to participate with them in “an after-hours orgy.”
They dismissed her complaints as “bordering upon the virginal,” Royce told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies. In her complaint, Royce declares, “I'm not that kind of a girl.” She declined to identify just what “kind of girl” she is.
As a result of being sexually abused as a girl, Royce enrolled at Western, she says, “to get an education as a social worker,” and took Human Sexuality 101 “to learn about the psychological theories concerning the birds and the bees,” so she could better counsel abuse victims. “Boy did I get an 'education'! I didn't know, nor was I told in advance, that this school is an institution of higher carnal knowledge.”
One of the course objectives, Kubistant told students, after locking the door to bar late-
cummerscomers is to “get inside your heads so you can't think of anything else but getting inside one another's pants and giving head.”
“He also had us get naked and demonstrate our favorite sex positions,” Royce said. “Have you ever tried to get in position for sixty-nine in front of twenty-odd other students? That's something you should share with only your closest, most intimate friends.”
For one of the examinations, students, while naked, had to describe their favorite sex toys, how they lost their virginity, what arouses them sexually, what they fantasize about during sex, and which fetishes they most enjoy. “Grammar, spelling, and punctuation didn't count,” Royce said.
She received a “D-” on the examination, Royce explains, “because, as a virgin, I haven't had sex, even with myself.” For “extra credit,” she says, the pervert said he'd let me make out with him and his fellow perverts, Dr. Morin and President Lucey. I told him, no way, and he changed the 'D-' to an 'F.'”
Royce also told him that she doesn't masturbate. “You do in my class,” Kubistant said, “at least three times, or I won't pass your ass.”
Royce acknowledges that the college conducted an internal investigation of her
discharges, but, “surprise, found that my complaints have 'no validity.'”
However, Royce would not let the matter drop; she has filed a complaint with the U. S. Department of Education, again alleging sexual harassment.
Asked for her thoughts concerning the incident, Dr. Lucey, who, in addition to executing her duties as the school's president, sometimes teaches Lesbian Lovemaking 101, said, “Here at Western, our instructors and I believe in hands-on instruction. Ms. Royce needs to loosen up!”