UnNews:Strauss-Kahn charges reduced from rape to douchebaggery
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Strauss-Kahn charges reduced from rape to douchebaggery
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 00:56:UTC)(
3 July 2011
NEW YORK, NY -- Faced with mounting evidence of lies by the maid who alleged that Dominique Strauss-Kahn raped her, New York prosecutors decided to formally reduce the charges against the former IMF chief. In a press conference late Saturday, the DA's office announced that the felony rape charge was being dropped in favor of misdemeanor douchebaggery. Strauss-Kahn was released from house arrest on his own recognizance and ordered to appear in court on July 18th to face the new charge of "being a douchebag in the first degree."
The ecstatic Frenchman was seen broadly smiling after the announcement and could be heard saying to his wife, "see honey, I told you I was just cheating on you, just like I do on all my trips abroad." In his native France, marital infidelity is seen as a sign of strength and machismo and is widely promoted, especially amongst the political elite. The French were shocked and outraged when Strauss-Kahn was first arrested, and are still angry even at the reduced charges. One Paris resident, while making funny nasal sounds, commented that "in France, it's not illegal to be a douchebag. Everyone does it. The Americas legal system is absurd!"
Strauss-Kahn's lawyers vowed to vigorously fight even the douchebaggery charge and have already filed for a motion to dismiss it altogether. Mr. Stauss-Kahn himself was unavailable for comment as he was busy eating a $700 dinner to spite his critics. After his release, he left the luxury townhouse where he was under house arrest and is now residing at the even more luxurious Mansion de Douche in Manhattan's Upper West Side. Neighbors are welcoming their new neighbor, with many saying that "he will fit right in!"
Meanwhile, with this highly visible case falling apart, prosecutor Cyrus Vance is facing a major embarrassment to his nascent career. Once seen as a possible future candidate for state attorney general, Vance is in danger of losing his job - or worse; rumors are spreading that the City may file charges against him for his negligence and a rush to indict Strauss-Kahn without sufficient evidence. Ironically, possible charges include "douchbaggery in the performance of official duties."