Storm Blamed for Death of Local Mother

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19 December 2007

A recent storm in Ontario, Canada was blamed for the death of a woman who was tragically hit by a snowplow after innocently parking her car on the highway. At least one count of manslaughter is expected. Despite numerous calls from UnNews, the storm could not be reached for further comment, but is expected to appear in court at Stormville, NY some time next week. The storm's lawyer has argued that "the guy who drove the damn snowplow is to blame". When reached for comment, the presumably drunk driver remarked "dtfedtestsaexdsetdgetawhuh?". Under Canadian law, the storm will likely face up to 5 minutes of prison before being granted bail on good behaviour. Our forecasters will continue to fill us in as the story develops. The storm also faces charges of littering, with allegations of the dumping of approximately 0.00025 km of snow across eastern Canada. Other results of the storms disturbing of the peace include school and bus cancellations, not that it matters due to the dilapidated nature of Toronto schools resulting from McGuinty's last pay hike. Additionally, prosecutors could technically introduce more severe first-degree and conspiracy to commit murder charges due to the alleged encouragement by Global Warming to carry out the disastrously destructive behaviour. If found guilty of this, the storm could face a 15 minute jail sentence. Meanwhile, Bill O'Reilly was brought on scene to help get rid of the snow with his endless flow of hot air. Whether or not the weather will improve depends upon the next forecast. UnNews' chief meteorologist has reported that the future looks grim, with red spots everywhere on the satellite photo. Due to the unpredictable nature of recent weather, citizens have been warned that they may have to resort to the old-fashioned independent forecasting technique of looking out the damn window. Canadian meteorologists have published a brief article with the following guidelines:

"What you Need:

A home (or homeless shelter if you're Torontonian)

    • pinches nose*..A bath.
  • A brain.
  • A window, preferably not stained-glass.

How to:

Step 1: Stand in front of the window.

Step 2: Look out the window. The grey things are clouds. If you see these, it means snow. Otherwise, you're in the clear.

Meanwhile, police have urged Ontario residents to "Not park on the f***ing highway". A fine of up to 50 cents will be introduced some time soon to encourage cooperation on the matter. Drivers are also advised to "steer clear" of low-quality winter tires from Canadian Tire.

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