|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
14 July 2008
San Jose, CALIFORNIA - A native Californian stork is hoping to shake things up in the scientific community with his shocking refutation of the widely accepted theory of human sexual reproduction. A talking stork that goes simply by the name of Herbert has made fantastic claims that all babies of the world are in fact delivered by storks, and not created by egg fertilization between male and female partners. In hopes to find the truth behind what may be the greatest breakthrough in recent history since the discovery of a talking stork, UnNews conducted an exclusive interview with the controversial Herbert.
UnNews: My understanding is that you claim human sexual reproduction to be a falsity despite overwhelming evidence in favor of it. Is this true?
Herbert: That’s what I’m saying. You’ve all had the wool pulled over your eyes for centuries, and it’s all to discredit the efforts of us storks. It’s the greatest conspiracy in the history of the earth.
UnNews: First of all, how do you explain the witnessing and experiencing of actual childbirth by literally millions of humans over many centuries of history?
Herbert: Let me make something clear right now; I’m not denying human childbirth. That would be absurd. I’m just denying the creation of human beings through sexual intercourse.
UnNews: Please explain.
Herbert: To begin with, the fairy tales you hear about storks delivering little bundles of joy to doorsteps are all bogus. We are involved much earlier in the process. I’m speaking of the process of embryo insertion.
UnNews: Please go on.
Herbert: Basically, human embryos are not created within the female human; rather, they are implanted. Embryo insertion, as we call it, is generally a two-stork job. We have one stork who we call the Spreader and one stork called the Inserter. The Spreader’s job is to lube the sleeping woman up –
UnNews: Wait a second, so you perform this act on sleeping women?
Herbert: Oh, yes, I failed to explain that part. You see, storks are veritable experts at stealth maneuvers, and we operate usually in the night, sneaking into houses with our goods. Where was I now? Oh yes, the insertion. It’s really quite simple. The Spreader lubes up the human woman’s vagina, usually with Vaseline or something, and then spreads her out nice and wide with his beak for the Inserter,, who gently pincers an embryo in his mouth and jams it up there nice and good into her uterus. The woman’s body pretty much takes it from there. The really good guys can do this all in a matter of seconds. Then we’re out of there, not a feather left behind.
UnNews: So, basically you are suppliers of human embryos?
Herbert: You could say that.
UnNews: And where do you get these embryos?
Herbert: Where do we get them? I don’t know. They’re somewhere in the storeroom I guess. Probably kept in crates or something. Maybe barrels?
UnNews: That’s not quite what I’m asking. I mean, where do they come from? How do you get them in stock?
Herbert: Listen, I’m just a rank-and-filer. I don’t know that kind of stuff. I just take orders from the boss.
UnNews: Boss? What is this, some kind of business? Where are you located? You must have a massive number of offices around the world in order to meet worldwide demand, correct?
Herbert: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on now, that stuff is classified and I have no authority to answer you.
UnNews: Very well. Allow me to question you on some other issues. If your theory is correct, you could easily have virgin women bearing children due to “stork error”, and every woman that has ever claimed virginity after becoming pregnant has been conclusively proven a liar on Jerry Springer. How do you explain this?
Herbert: Well, this is a bit embarrassing, but us storks are all habitual voyeurs, and we are secretly watching humans have sex most of our waking lives. We don’t deliver a baby unless we know someone’s been doing the nasty. That’s the boss’ orders too.
UnNews: Intriguing. Do you have any interesting anecdotes our readers might be interested to hear?
Herbert: There was this one time we forgot to bring the Vaseline and didn’t have any kind of lubrication. I had to whisper in the woman’s ear with my Barry White impression to get her wet and spreadable. Apparently human chicks really dig it when you talk dirty.
UnNews: Anything else?
Herbert: Well, there was the one time we walked in on a space alien anally probing a woman at night. It was really embarrassing so I just gave the guy a nod, backed out and decided to come some other time.
UnNews: A space alien? Well, I’m getting more uneasy the more I talk to you, so just one last question: Why? Why do you do this?
Herbert: What can I say? It’s a labor of love. Besides, I don’t see you asking cats why they chase their tails or dogs why they chew on bones, do I? It’s just what storks do. It’s as simple as that.
UnNews: It was fascinating talking to you. Thank you for your time.
Herbert the stork: Is he a pathological liar or a genuine giver of life? Whatever the answer may be, this reporter really needs a drink. Make it a double.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|