UnNews:Stock market crashes; things looking up
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Stock market crashes; things looking up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 18, 2017, 05:18:UTC)(
29 January 2008
HOOVERVILLE, CALIFORNIA -- In a day that will become known as "Purple Monday", the stock market has officially crashed, signaling the start of things looking up. As the stock market closed on Sunday, even though it wasn't actually open, the DOW dropped 133,689 points. With Mondays crash, it rose 19.7 points. When asked about the state of it, strengthening after crashing, one stock broker who worked on Wall Street killed himself. UnNews reporter Oscar Wilde went to the streets. Finding a ramshackle town commonly referred to as a "Bushville", he asked this question: Are you optimistic about the state of the economy?
Nobody voted, as they were too busy dying of starvation.
Failing this, Wilde asked someone. He spoke to "Lil" Orphan Arnie. Arnie said: "Well, I personally think its wonderful. This crash is the greatest thing for the economy since.... November 7, 2000. Exactly."
loser "hopeful", John Edwards was quoted as saying:
"This simply proves what I've been saying about the state of our economy. It is terrible. The rich are wasting our money on useless amenities, while the middle class can't afford food. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to spend $400 on a hairc- I mean charity".