UnNews:Stingrays declare war
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Stingrays declare war
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 19:43 (UTC)
19 October 2006
Secret Underwater Stingray Headquarters, somewhere in the South Pacific - Days of tense negotiations came to an unsuccessful end today as UN mediators departed from the underwater complex where they had been meeting with the stingray warlord known only as "Ray Charles", bearing with them news that a state of war now exists between stingrays and mankind.
The human-stingray crisis began several weeks ago, when the archduke of Australia, Steve Irwin, was assassinated in a terrorist attack by radical oceanic nationalist Gavraylo Princep while visiting the Great Barrier Reef. The visit was considered a dangerous one, as the Reef had been the scene of severe oceanic unrest over the past decade, ever since the great sea urchin riots of 1993. Irwin, by touring the troubled principality, had hoped to convince its citizens of the legitimacy of mankind's governance of their homeland, but instead set the stage for a serious crisis as his assassination brought the world to the brink of war, much like the assination archduke Franz Ferdinand, only this time, people cared.
Humans, stingrays, and their respective allies all mobilized their armies in the wake of Irwin's assassination, but secret negotiations between agents of world uber-dictator Kofi Annan and the stingray leadership in the stingrays' secret fortress were quickly initiated in the hope of defusing the conflict. A member of the UN delegation, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated that the stingrays' initial demands had included a halt to ocean dumping and the release of all political prisoners held at Sea World and other infamous detention camps, while the humans demanded the extradition of Princep and economic reparations for Irwin's assassination, but that the talks had been proceeding towards a successful resolution as both sides made concessions.
Hope for a peaceful resolution, however, was shattered on Tuesday when another stingray radical attacked a vacationer off the coast of Florida. The flagrant act of war outraged human leaders. George W. Bush, speaking before a special session of congress, vigorously denounced the oceanic aggression, describing the stingrays as members of a nefarious "Axis of Sting", along with bees, mimes and nettles. "Evildoers," said Bush, staring vaguely into the air. "Smoke 'em out their holes. Dead or alive."
Humans, stingrays, and their allies all prepared for immediate military action, with humans facing the prospect of a multifronted war. The stingrays command a vast network of allies, including sharks, bears, and France; humans, meanwhile, called on their traditional allies, cats and robots, urging immediate action against the stingray alliance.
edit Germaine Greer responds
Following the stingray attack that crippled its Florida victim, least-respected Australian feminist author Germaine Greer commented to news sources that the attack was "cold, brutal and premeditated" but "was clearly not designed to kill its victim." She outraged Australians by claiming that "the coalition of Stingrays that have perpetrated these recent attacks pick their victims carefully, and decided like most sane humans, that the world was better off without Steve Irwin. The attack in Florida was merely a warning to those living in the South West that alligators are not crocodiles, and Irwin's timely death has not left a vortex to be assumed by some swamp-tramping gator-lover." In a public press conference, Greer was openly questioned on her biological knowledge of the behavioural habits of stingrays, to which she threw a glass of water at the reporter, tipped the podium over, screamed insults at the gathered journalists and jumped into a waiting taxi. She later filed a sexual harassment claim against the reporter who asked the question, and also against the taxi driver because he was dressed like Spongebob Squarepants.