UnNews:Stephen Hawking pops a cap on way to Silicon Valley
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Stephen Hawking pops a cap on way to Silicon Valley
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 7, 2016, 10:59:UTC)(
9 September 2006
Silicon Valley, Afhanistan(WTF) -- Stephen Hawking might have looked like an easy target to a supposed 1337 mugger, but the mugger is in now in critical condition at St. Joseph of the n00b Hospital in Baghdad, Iraq.
Apparently, Hawking was working on a new sub-atomic weapon that would produce horrendous sonic waves. These waves would be in the form of a Microsoft speak and spell with enough frequency to make your head a'splode. When a mugger from the outskirts of the Valley decided to take this weapon for his own gain, he had another thing coming to him.
With one swift click from his upgraded control panel, Hawking opened his chest cavity, revealing an arsenal of assorted weaponry, including tommy guns and heat-seeking kittens. In a catacylsmic struggle that will fill volumes of legend for years to come, Hawking managed to launch a Siamese kitten into the shoulder of the mugger. The mugger then fled and was admitted to the nearby hospital. His wounds were minimal, but he was caught huffing what was left of the poor feline (kitten huffing is illegal in Baghdad children) and is now being tried and interrogated by testicle shock.
When asked about the whole event Hawking had only this to say:
"I...POPPED..A..CAP..IN..HIS..ASS! BUY...MICROSOFT..SAM...2.0...BIOTCHES!" He then proceeded to pimpslap the reporter with his cybernetic arm implant.
The epic 1,000,000.23 line poem of the event will be written by Stephen Spielsburg and adapted into a 70 part movie, coming to a theatre near you.
- "Woman in wheelchair on way to gun practice shoots mugger". CNN, September 09, 2006