UnNews:Stephen Hawking invents robotic exoskeleton for upcoming space walk
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Stephen Hawking invents robotic exoskeleton for upcoming space walk
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 10:29 (UTC)
8 January 2007
CAMBRIDGE, ENG - In hopes of undergoing a 2007 space odyssey, British astrophysicist Dr. Stephen Hawking has built a robotic exoskeleton which will get him out of his wheelchair and onto his surrogate feet.
The Nobel Prize laureate, paralyzed since his twenties as a result of a rare degenerative nerve disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, was confined to a wheelchair and relied upon the use of a computer as a means by which to communicate with others in a thin, eerie, mechanical voice similar to that of Lois’ in 2001: A Space Odyssey. He deliberately chose the female voice because it would sound “disconcerting,” he said, representing a man’s voice. Despite his extremely high I. Q., the scientist and mathematician delights in such childish practical jokes.
He was inspired by his favorite genres of literature, comic books and science fiction novels, television shows, and movies in his invention of his cybernetic robotic exoskeleton with built-in voice synthesizer.
In particular, he says, such fare as Marvel Comics’ Iron Man, TV’s Six Million Dollar Man and Bionic Woman, and California Governor Arnold Schwartzeneggar’s Terminator movies inspired the creation of his apparatus: “I thought that if Tony Stark could construct his Iron Man body armor, if NASA could rebuild Steve Austin and Jaime Summers, and futuristic idiots could create the Terminator, I should be able to design and manufacture something as simple as a cybernetic robotic exoskeleton with built-in voice synthesizer.”
His adoring public might be pleased to know, the astrophysicist points out, that he has changed the voice that emanates from the synthesizer’s sound system. “I no longer sound like Lois; I now sound like Lena Horne.”
The skeleton can withstand radiation, intense heat, intense cold, particle beam-bombardment, laser rays, and Michael Jackson’s high-pitched squealing, Dr. Hawking boasts. “It’s also capable of performing all natural body functions, including the reproductive ones, in case any of my many female admirers are interested.”
He intends to use the exoskeleton to conduct space walks, for exercise, for sightseeing, and to help survey township lots on moons and planets that can sustain colonies. “I may also get in a few rounds of golf on Uranus,” the scientist declares.
To prepare for his journey to the outer limits of the Earth’s galaxy during his upcoming space trip, Dr. Hawking is trying to develop a taste for Tang, the powdered fruit drink that NASA astronauts advertised on TV during the late 1960’s and early 1970’s as a means of financing the space mission during those “lean years,” when American taxpayers rebelled at continuing to pay millions of dollars to send a man into orbit around the planet, finding the use of their hard-earned money to do so a “waste.”
Unfortunately, according to Dr. Hawking, "Tang tastes like vomit," and he is afraid that is he cannot keep the beverage down, the company, Virgins in Outer Space, which has reserved a seat aboard their spaceship, will prohibit his participation, in which case his seat will go to Pamela Anderson, because, Virgin’s owner says, “she has the biggest breasts of the actresses who have requested a seat aboard the ship that will undertake the company’s maiden voyage.”
During their trip, the spaceship will attempt to plug one of the universe’s many black holes and will scout planets that could sustain colonization. At 65, Dr. Hawking remains “extremely concerned that the human race may not survive if it does not colonize other planets, as Earth remains a target of intergalactic terrorists who may bypass NASA’s space defenses at any time and slip in a few hundred thousand asteroids the size of the British Isles.”
He adds that, "from the onset of the British Empire to the present, we have borne the white man’s burden, and it remains up to us British and our allies, the United States, to carry out that duty, bringing culture, enlightenment, and government to savages and planting our respective flags in the businesses of other peoples, even in as far-flung places as Alpha Centauri and beyond. With my new exoskeleton and its sexy Lena Horne voice, I‘m looking forward to doing my part.”
Both the United States and Great Britain deny the existence of extraterrestrial terrorists and the existence of secret space weapons, to which the scientist replies, “It's a no-brainer: you can believe the government, or you can believe me.”
Dr. Hawking said any female admirer who would like to help him test the exoskeleton’s reproductive capability is welcome to contact him through his office at Cambridge University.